A Full Moon Shines

I think, I feel, I know. All mapped out, I understand what needs to be done to stay on the side of reason. Clear and concise I am. A song plays, a full moon shines, a whisper of scent crosses my mind and suddenly I want to dance without boundaries, to press my heeled boots into the dashboard. To slip my clothes off in the middle of the road. No one around, I answer only to myself. The heat of my words spread across the universe. A torrent of emotions spill from my heart. From zero to ten and back again. I act on whatever inspires passion. To contain myself for the benefit of others, to quench my fire has become impossible. I am everything you never had. Despite inherent reserve. If I feel deeply, you will know. For better or worse, I refuse to hold council behind logical expression. Hear, see, touch. To know me is to feel me. To live my life in its full glory, I gratefully choose these hours of quiet exhaustion and joyful exhilaration. 

I can rest in between.

Life is Short, 

I won't hold back~

Raven  

Power of Words

Words words words. It's how we share the essence of who we are. Words between people create intimacy, friendship, and healing. Even unspoken words, no matter how quiet are still being heard. To exchange thoughts and feelings is an amazing gift we take for granted. I know many who would walk to the ends of the earth to have a chance to talk to a loved one who is no longer here in our physical world. My motto to live without regrets pushes me to express the feelings of my heart.  

Because of time, space or distance, if unable to speak in person we can always write. Back in the day, writing was of great importance. Poems, stories, postcards to my grandparents, it was a normal part of life. In high school I spent much of my time writing friends instead of paying attention. As we walked in the halls we would pass notes complete with stick people drawings and secretly answer them in the next class. It was fun. I have a dusty bunch stashed under the recesses of my bed that still make me smile. Love letters, having a fight letter, break up, make up letters. I have done them all. As a form of healing people are advised to journal a pretend letter, but not actually give it to the person they are upset with. An almost impossible feat for myself. If I have something to say, it has to be out loud. Communication keeps me healthy. I know if I keep things locked in I will pay the physical consequences. This is one of the reasons I have a public blog. 

I find solace in being connected. 

I believe words have immense power. Look to the wizards, Merlin and Harry. They may carry a wand, but the magic needs to be directed somehow other than by a few dramatic waves. Without the words to guide the source there would be nothing but random chaos. 

The world of technology has made it easy to communicate from a distance. I love the ability to reach out to someone special by text and get an immediate response. Writing is my passion, but it has its ups and downs. When it's the only option, I am grateful. The written word can bring people together, but can also be used to keep us apart. I would much rather hear a voice or even better to commune in a soul-to-soul personal way. There is a certain magic when you are face to face that cannot be conveyed by any text or phone call. If you are one who believes words are meaningless then you are not the kind of person I like to spend time with. Trust is the foundation in each exchange. Everything in our world is a form of energy, whether your intent is to love, heal, create or destroy, it begins in your heart and goes forth from your lips. So be mindful when you are out there waving your magic wand. Either you are nothing but a light show...

or setting in motion the creation of something beautiful.

In Written Beauty,
~Raven

Diamonds

The beauty of a woman is unique and completely her own, a combination of soul and grace. The way we perceive ourselves outwardly will inwardly affect how we chart our course. How we think, creates our world. To judge my own appearance, to critique my inner self, to regret my decisions, creates a pain in my heart that is hard not to see when I look in the mirror. Acceptance starts within, no matter how I look, or where my steps have led. 

My life's journey has been in learning to love myself, so I may learn to love others. In the process of experience, from the time we are born until now, it's more than likely we shall forget the beauty of our wholeness. This of course is true for males, but I speak from a female point of view, since it is my specialty;) 

I once heard the saying, "Women should live as if they have diamonds between their legs." I have to smile in agreement. Certainly the stakes would be much higher when it came to romantic choices if we valued our worth to such a degree. We give ourselves away easily depending on self love, and for this we are treated accordingly. We compromise our joy, simply because it's kinder than being alone, or have specific agendas we hope to follow. Security, family, society or religion, obligations, expectations...all can play a role in intimate decisions. I am not claiming either right or wrong, I have my own history, and none of it followed a straight line. I am at a different stage in my life. I am a chameleon, neither young nor old. My eyes look upon the world, all is well, it's only in the measuring where I feel the loss. Compare me to the woman I was a mere decade ago, and you will see the contrast in my appearance. Younger, softer. Compare me in a decade with the woman I will become, and you will see the same. Here between both worlds I am perfect. I am a woman of great value, because I believe it so. Not because of what you feel, or how you see me. I think myself sexy, therefore I am. I smile into the mirror...my eyes have a few lines, I have changed profoundly in other ways, but that's okay. I am beautiful in my sadness, I am beautiful in my joy. Lifting my bracelet covered arms to the fullness of the moon, I tilt my head back. My long hair brushes my naked skin. I sway sensually to a rhythm only I hear. The pulsing in my veins reflects the heat of my deepest wants. My whole being is a treasure. To believe otherwise would be to deny each and every step which brought me to this place under the sky.
I accept, I forgive and I love. Inside and out, 

I am a precious jewel.

In Peace,

~Raven  

Castles made of Sand

"What a bold risk we take when we love so completely."

I wake in silent darkness, somewhere in between the land of dreams and lucid memory. In the misty vision of my subconscious I see myself standing on top a collapsing tower of sand. The sides rapidly break under my feet as I scramble to stay balanced. I finally give up and let myself sink down onto the earth. My eyes drift open as I contemplate the obvious meaning. Growing up on the beaches of California, I spent many long hours building castles made of sand. I knew exactly the kind of texture necessary for strong walls. Too dry, it would crumble. Too wet, it would cave-in. Back and forth to the water's edge, my bucket sloshing, spilling most of its contents at my feet as I ran. The joy of creation superseded any tiredness from toiling under the hot sun. Purely in the moment, my only contemplation was where I would place the next tower and which shell or piece of seaweed would look the nicest. Free and easy I had no one to please but myself. If it didn't work the first time, I would simply rebuild.

I smile as I lay here in the aloneness of my bed. How dramatic to come up with such a vivid expression of how I feel in everyday life. It's not a secret. I know very well where my heart spends much of it's energy. My life is an open book, though you may not be privy to the sexy details, I do not hide behind a wall of protection from many people. I speak, I am open, I release. So why this dream. What am I missing.

The last three years have been a glorious mix of intense love and spoken promises with my best friend and lover. We planned a future together, all was beautiful. Timing and trust are everything in life, and despite our highest intentions, much of what we hoped for came crashing down. The infinite grains now lay scattered at my feet. I see myself in slow motion as I struggle to stand on a tower built not just by myself this time, but by two sets of loving hands. Perhaps we were so caught up in the creating we somehow missed the right amount of ingredients. I always thought love was enough to hold anything together, but without the same commitment it doesn't take much to make it fall apart. My arms grasp in mid air, I look for something to hold on to. Without fail I slip every time. As I lay here in the crumbled remains, I realize at last what I am meant to learn. This lesson has never been in keeping my balance, but in finally allowing myself to fall.

In Lucid Peace,

~Raven

Outside my Window

Twenty three years ago I lived in a mid century modern building in the heart of downtown San Diego. Perched on the second floor, a corner unit complete with 2 Murphy beds, and a large clawfoot bathtub. The best part of the design were the big wooden doors that slid easily into the walls, turning my large open studio into a 2 bedroom hide away. Surrounded by windows, over looking a Palm lined boulevard, it was like living in a tree house. I was mostly happy.

For some time I had been a waitress in tight jeans at a seafood restaurant in Mission Beach. Walking home from work late at night, barefoot in the wet sand is a memory of freedom I will always hold dear. I was lucky to live in a super cool apartment within walking distance of the ocean. Close enough so I could see the waves from a small window in my kitchen, and able to hunt seashells before my coffee barely cooled. It was a wonderful life filled with great angst and magical days. This however is a whole other story for a different epiphany, so back to my tree house. Recently hired somewhat due east, and considerably more inland, I was now a server of fine dining, dressed in black and white and carefully opening wine bottles at the table. All was well. I had a lover, a beautiful home, a good job, my health, beloved family and friends.

 What more could I want?

Little did I know this question would soon change my whole journey.

One late evening, home from a regular day of being in my world, I sat at my window and gazed quietly out into the street. "Was this it?" I wondered. I felt I could be content if it was. Perhaps I would marry, live in San Diego forever, near the people I loved, have babies and keep doing what was comfortable. I could remain the same and it would be easy. Maybe not with the exact boyfriend, home or job, but something similar for sure. I knew I could make it work....but at what cost. What part of myself would I have to give up to keep what I had. What was I willing to risk, to possibly lose everything. 

As I stood at my window, I was filled with such grief. I understood to save myself, to have something more, I would have to start over. To live my truth no matter how difficult was my only choice. To embrace love without passion, to exist within the straight lines I had drawn around myself, suddenly seemed intolerable. My happiest is when I'm walking beneath the moon, my bare feet kissing the earth. To be fluid and responsive to whatever awakens my soul is the only adventure I want to live.

"A few months later, I packed up everything and moved to New England."

Tonight I stand at my bedroom window. My beloved family 3000 miles away for over 20 years. I have missed much by living this far. My 3 children asleep at their father's house. I am here alone. I gaze over my garden, across my front lawn, and out into the street. Watching for a lover that no longer comes. Waiting for a time that no longer is. This moment at my window reminds me of far ago. Life has come full circle and met me here once more. I am older, softer, more forgiving, a little broken around the edges. I have known real love, passion, sorrow and joy. I stand here in the darkness, framed by my curtains, thankful to hear the songs of my heart and brave enough to follow. I am content for where my steps have led. I pray I continue to know the intensity of my ways. There have been many chapters when it would have been easier to take a simpler road. Perhaps if I had I would be in a loving relationship comforted with a partner by my side, rather than being on my own. Maybe I would now be gazing upon a huge stack of firewood ready to warm my family for the winter, instead of worrying how I am going to manage another season. All these things cross my mind. Nothing will change where I have been, nor do I want it to. I cherish every thread that has entwined around the heart of my existence.The truth is I love the view outside my window. Ever moving and beautiful, just how I want it to be.

In Peace~

Raven 

Swimming Naked

This is a random writing regarding some of the ongoing trials and emotions in my world.
I stand here in the face of life wanting to climb out my bedroom window, to walk the streets all night. Yes I know it's not safe... Exhausted by morning...where would I go? A large part of me cares nothing for reasoning but I bind myself in knotted ropes to fight temptation. What kind of woman wants to live dangerously, what kind of woman would choose to risk the harmony of all she is for the unknown. If I were to let go of what keeps me in control I would be standing on the beach, drinking a bottle of wine, doing whatever it takes to alter my reality. Swimming naked in the waves under the sliver of a moon. To think nothing. To allow the healing water to wash from me the stark pain of impossibilities. My children sleep quiet dreams while their beloved mother longs to run wild and storm thru piercing shadows. I take a deep breath to rein in my craziness and sorrows, my desperate hope for a better tomorrow. I am a divided mess, knowing I have to contend with responsibilities.....to work, pay bills, be a good mama, daughter and friend. Inside.....inside there is another presence going on. How can I continue this double life. It's hard to live from both aspects of myself. The memory of my past at war with the woman I have now become. Wiser, stronger. I imagined I would evolve to be less emotional. In fact with a deeper understanding of time and the reality of loss, I am even more sensitive. In the nonchalance of youth I thought...one day....one day...I will arrive. Now, after many years I have discovered there is no arrival. I am here. I may be in another play, but the heroes and villains are the same. I act my part, convinced by my story. There is beauty in this moment, but for now I feel no relief. This time...this time...I see with clarity. It is what it is, nothing less....and certainly nothing more. I am just peering in from another direction. The experience of life is found in the round and round magic of what has been. No matter the surrounding light, I have been here before. It's okay, maybe this time things will turn out differently. Until then I am going to figure out how to quietly pry the screen off my bedroom window.
Shhhhhhhhh.....
~Raven

Reverberations

"A sound that is repeated many times as it hits two opposite surfaces, so that it makes a place seem to shake slightly."

     This year has been a shaky one at best. I barely recovered from one upset only to be hit by another of the same caliber. How do you stay strong when the places of your heart are reverberating in continued sorrow. I feel broken. All the positive ways I believe have not made a single dent to the island of sand in which I'm trapped. I am here because of my choices, yet wanting to pull away. No one holds me against my will. Unable to summon up the strength to leave I focus only on what I have lost. A victim to sadness. I wake daily wanting to feel better, to reclaim my dreams yet weighed down by my inability to accept reality. Trapped in my own story. 

     I am more than this moment of weakness. I am a Goddess, a Joyful Spirit, filled with Amazing qualities. I am a Diamond, a Sensual Majestic Being. Then why? Why do I measure the goodness of my beauty against what is no more. Am I not complete on my own. To give away the power of my happiness cannot be healthy or wise. All or nothing I decide. Nothing is what I have left. 

     I do not discount the wonder of what I experience. I do not regret the knowing. To lament any further becomes a clamoring to those around me. I have become a martyr to my desires. Promises made under the darkness of night shine dull in the light of day. Tarnished, they speak in hushed tones, mocking how I once believed them to be of pure gold. 

     There is always tomorrow. I pray the spark of joy within, flares brighter than it has before. Life changes in the blink of an eye. If I am to move forward, then let it be by my own strength. In the long run, I am all I have. To free myself, or stay buried.....The possibilities are endless.
I will try again in the morning.
~Raven

Love Eternal

"Souls are connected, we never truly lose our loved ones."

 This must be true! How could the Sacred Beauty we experience in every day life here on earth, not be just as glorious in the Spirit world from whence we came. I refuse to believe otherwise. The Love we share is eternally more grand than any faint lines we imagine separating us between Life and the Other side. Yesterday morning we witnessed the passing of a beloved family member. My son woke early and immediately realized our 9 year old dog Timber was not well. I went to the living room next to where he slept, took a deep breath and called my faithful friend. His first steps were a valiant effort to do what his heart wanted, to come close and give my face a lick, hence his other name, TimberLickey. With a sweet smile, he stood on shaky legs then quickly collapsed within a few feet from where I waited. Once we realized there was no hope for intervention, my children and I sat by his side, our hands intermingling as we stroked his soft fur. Complete, we made a circle of Love. Watching him shudder with his last breaths was both heartbreaking and beautiful. I will never forget those moments, my hand on his chest, the rapid beat of his heart becoming still as we sobbed our goodbyes. Despite the deep sorrow at his sudden passing, I am thankful we were there when it happened, I think he waited for us. He went peacefully. Now here we are. A very important and large space in our life is empty, and forever will be. I would like to believe he is near, and one day we will be joyfully reunited. However the grief I feel makes it difficult to find solace in what sometimes appears to be wishful thinking. The lessons of loss are harsh ones. Time is said to heal all wounds, yet it is time itself which seems to rob of us what was once ours to hold. I lay here in the quietness of my despair and know I need to make a decision. My spiritual beliefs are the guidelines to my soul. Just like Timber followed his heart, I must make the choice to follow mine. Can I use the tears of my sadness to water the flowers of lost hope. Is that how faith is born, to find joy in the sacredness of what appears to be nothing more than death. My story is yours. We all experience loss, and we all must choose what to do with it. I lay here in the quietness, in the vast space that once was my dear friend. The lessons of his love much bigger than the sorrows of my earthly beliefs. To believe there is nothing more would contradict all that once was. Clouded by tears, my eyes cannot see him though I know he is close. Love is not something that can be seen anyways, so for now I will honor his life by believing what he came here to teach. Love is eternal, It just is. 

In Faith

~Raven

On Being Edgy

 

Usually I navigate life in a peaceful ~ composed manner. I am a high energy person, and sometimes it's not so easy to remain calm. When I am able to channel my passions in a good direction I feel serene and right with the world. When I can't seem to maintain my emotional balance, I wake up feeling kind of edgy.

This is not always a bad thing as I can use this edginess to inspire my choices and make creative decisions. I looked up 'edgy' in the dictionary, and with several definitions to choose from, I found this to be the closest.  

"Reckless, Sensitive, Excitable, Impatient, Keyed Up, Passionate, High-Strung and Fierce."  

The fierce part is my term. One time I actually had a man tell me he wasn't interested in me 'relationship wise' as I wasn't edgy enough. I thought he meant I didn't have enough piercings or wouldn't be able to handle my own in a street fight, which I can't. To this day I'm not quite sure, but it no longer matters. I think this is one of those words which has different meanings to people depending on just how edgy you yourself may be.  

Right now I am definitely feeling a little restless and on edge. Back when I was a younger, wilder version of myself this would often lead to my not making the safest or sanest choices. Although some of my most adventurous stories were born from these moments, leaving me with happy memories and few regrets. Recognizing when I feel this way, I have developed an awareness for where my steps may lead, setting off my alert signals to take heed before I jump impulsively into the turbulent waters of possibilities below. Now a little wiser, I stop and check for the deepest area of the river before plunging in.   

My life would be pretty boring if I tried to change this part of who I am. I have always rebelled against limitations, or someone suggesting I can't do something just because it doesn't work for their belief system. I am content living between these two sides of my personality, 

I like being the peaceful,
 edgy woman I consider myself to be.  

I will say this, I respect people who are clear and honest about their feelings, whether or not I want to hear what they have to say. Life should not be wasted pretending you are someone different, or your romantic stars are in alignment when they are not. I try to live without many self-imposed rules,
 and I greatly value when others do the same.  

Although I may not be ready to get in dive formation, I am perched on the highest rock checking from my advantage point for the safer waters below.  

I believe I have awhile to enjoy the view. Circumstances often change and I can come back another day. I will know when its my hour of

 passionate recklessness and time to dive in.  

To everybody already splashing around, this will not be the first or last occasion I will be joining you. Contemplation is good, but getting in and playing is so much more fun.  

Until then......

Perhaps I may get a few more piercings or take up kick boxing, who knows, it might be time for some newness in my fierce life ~~~~~
In Edgy Peace,
Raven

Walking In Circles

Being physically still while feeling upset is difficult for me. Because of this, one of the ways I bring calm into my life is by walking. A secluded forest beside a river is my favorite place to be. I love the unfolding beauty around each bend, the soothing murmur of trees as I walk beneath their comforting canopy. I can choose the same path over and over, yet still hear a different story with every journey. The water moves around my faithful friends the rocks, reminding me life is in constant flow despite my stony determination to resist. 

Early this evening, with little time to travel elsewhere, I decided to walk around the high school track near my home. Without going into much detail, I am currently in the midst of heartache. My lover and I quietly together for 2 years, 8 months, are falling apart. Some days are better than others, and today was not one of them. With my mind shouting frantic unease to my already lamenting heart, serenity seemed far out of reach. With a shuddering breath, I set forth. 

No sticks to trip over, hills to climb, or branches to navigate, all I had to do was place one foot in front of the other. Round and round I went, step by step I entered a meditative trance. Slowly the tight chains holding hope captive began to unwind. By circle eight, I thought of a woman known by my son, recently diagnosed with Leukemia. My personal trials became softer. I sent her a prayer for healing. By circle nine, I became thankful for the unconditional loyalty of family and friends who reach out to hold my hand in loving support. By circle ten, I felt the energy of approaching night bathe me in it's twilight calm. By my last circle, number 11, I came to this realization. 

"Acceptance depends not in fully understanding the hows or whys of my particular path, but on absolute faith.
I am blessed, and always will be."

 Love me or leave me, I remain beautiful and whole.
Tomorrow is a new day, and it's almost for sure I will need to set out again. By each experience, I can breathe a little clearer and am one step closer to peace. Within my sadness, lies the presence of joy.
Walking opens the window separating the two,
so I may hear the wisdom of my soul.

My question before I set out tonight was this, "If you walk in circles, can you get anywhere?" My answer is yes. Through a forest, beside a river, or round and round. All you need is an open heart to voyage across the great divide between sorrow into healing.

In Walking Meditation

~ Raven

Being Complete Under the Night Sky

Its hard not to look outside myself for happiness or serenity. Sometimes I feel like I am restlessly waiting for something..anything...to make me feel complete. Most of the time I am at peace with where I am ...what I am doing. I know I am on the right path, I feel good about myself and my life.  There are other times though when I feel almost lost inside. Late at night I go out onto my deck overlooking the lake, I stand there under the vast night sky feeling part of the whole Universe. I have the urge to wake up my children so they can share this time with me. I resist and stand alone, wondering how it would be to have someone by my side sharing these moments. I have had several close relationships throughout my life, and a marriage of 14 years, so I am not a novice when it comes to togetherness. Being in a relationship has never really taken away these feelings..its easy to be alone even when surrounded by others, at least it has been for me. I know the answer lies within rather than without, a lesson I have learned numerous times, yet find myself revisiting often. These days or nights when I feel this way, once I become awake to the growing emptiness, I know what to do. I take a deep breath and release all I have been keeping inside, and I wait. I wait not for someone or something to fill up the vastness of my sorrow, for that in itself is fleeting. No...I wait for my Connection to the Creator of all that Is..my Spirit Essence.. to wrap itself around, and thru me, moving timelessly through every molecule of my Body. I remain there in the silence of Beauty. I am Healed. Life again becomes filled with hope and promise, I stand strong where I am. Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, and so is being alone. Either way I have all I need. I am complete and always will be.

In Graceful Serenity

~Raven

In the Here and Now

In the present moment, I am filled with sorrow. 

With no easy escape or place to hide.
Unable to move in either direction.
Thinking of steps which led me here,
makes no difference to what has now become.

   Wasn't it yesterday, when everything seemed right.
Perhaps I was dreaming, lost in a fantasy
of how I wanted life to be.
Blind to the unraveling strings of my desire,
trailing behind me for everyone else to see.
  Dancing naked in the belief of promises made
under scattered beams of shifting light.
Surely Beauty and Grace travel near,

always my closest friends,
until their arrival, I rest within shadows.
Praying for relief, accepting where I am.  

My only solace to trust the hidden blessings,
patiently waiting to be revealed.

~Raven