On Being Edgy

 

Usually I navigate life in a peaceful ~ composed manner. I am a high energy person, and sometimes it's not so easy to remain calm. When I am able to channel my passions in a good direction I feel serene and right with the world. When I can't seem to maintain my emotional balance, I wake up feeling kind of edgy.

This is not always a bad thing as I can use this edginess to inspire my choices and make creative decisions. I looked up 'edgy' in the dictionary, and with several definitions to choose from, I found this to be the closest.  

"Reckless, Sensitive, Excitable, Impatient, Keyed Up, Passionate, High-Strung and Fierce."  

The fierce part is my term. One time I actually had a man tell me he wasn't interested in me 'relationship wise' as I wasn't edgy enough. I thought he meant I didn't have enough piercings or wouldn't be able to handle my own in a street fight, which I can't. To this day I'm not quite sure, but it no longer matters. I think this is one of those words which has different meanings to people depending on just how edgy you yourself may be.  

Right now I am definitely feeling a little restless and on edge. Back when I was a younger, wilder version of myself this would often lead to my not making the safest or sanest choices. Although some of my most adventurous stories were born from these moments, leaving me with happy memories and few regrets. Recognizing when I feel this way, I have developed an awareness for where my steps may lead, setting off my alert signals to take heed before I jump impulsively into the turbulent waters of possibilities below. Now a little wiser, I stop and check for the deepest area of the river before plunging in.   

My life would be pretty boring if I tried to change this part of who I am. I have always rebelled against limitations, or someone suggesting I can't do something just because it doesn't work for their belief system. I am content living between these two sides of my personality, 

I like being the peaceful,
 edgy woman I consider myself to be.  

I will say this, I respect people who are clear and honest about their feelings, whether or not I want to hear what they have to say. Life should not be wasted pretending you are someone different, or your romantic stars are in alignment when they are not. I try to live without many self-imposed rules,
 and I greatly value when others do the same.  

Although I may not be ready to get in dive formation, I am perched on the highest rock checking from my advantage point for the safer waters below.  

I believe I have awhile to enjoy the view. Circumstances often change and I can come back another day. I will know when its my hour of

 passionate recklessness and time to dive in.  

To everybody already splashing around, this will not be the first or last occasion I will be joining you. Contemplation is good, but getting in and playing is so much more fun.  

Until then......

Perhaps I may get a few more piercings or take up kick boxing, who knows, it might be time for some newness in my fierce life ~~~~~
In Edgy Peace,
Raven

Walking In Circles

Being physically still while feeling upset is difficult for me. Because of this, one of the ways I bring calm into my life is by walking. A secluded forest beside a river is my favorite place to be. I love the unfolding beauty around each bend, the soothing murmur of trees as I walk beneath their comforting canopy. I can choose the same path over and over, yet still hear a different story with every journey. The water moves around my faithful friends the rocks, reminding me life is in constant flow despite my stony determination to resist. 

Early this evening, with little time to travel elsewhere, I decided to walk around the high school track near my home. Without going into much detail, I am currently in the midst of heartache. My lover and I quietly together for 2 years, 8 months, are falling apart. Some days are better than others, and today was not one of them. With my mind shouting frantic unease to my already lamenting heart, serenity seemed far out of reach. With a shuddering breath, I set forth. 

No sticks to trip over, hills to climb, or branches to navigate, all I had to do was place one foot in front of the other. Round and round I went, step by step I entered a meditative trance. Slowly the tight chains holding hope captive began to unwind. By circle eight, I thought of a woman known by my son, recently diagnosed with Leukemia. My personal trials became softer. I sent her a prayer for healing. By circle nine, I became thankful for the unconditional loyalty of family and friends who reach out to hold my hand in loving support. By circle ten, I felt the energy of approaching night bathe me in it's twilight calm. By my last circle, number 11, I came to this realization. 

"Acceptance depends not in fully understanding the hows or whys of my particular path, but on absolute faith.
I am blessed, and always will be."

 Love me or leave me, I remain beautiful and whole.
Tomorrow is a new day, and it's almost for sure I will need to set out again. By each experience, I can breathe a little clearer and am one step closer to peace. Within my sadness, lies the presence of joy.
Walking opens the window separating the two,
so I may hear the wisdom of my soul.

My question before I set out tonight was this, "If you walk in circles, can you get anywhere?" My answer is yes. Through a forest, beside a river, or round and round. All you need is an open heart to voyage across the great divide between sorrow into healing.

In Walking Meditation

~ Raven