Sunday, March 23, 2014

Shameless Pleasure

Some things in life are worth doing again and again. 
There is no shame in knowing pleasure. In fact I think it should be experienced every day. Not just in a, "Surprise, this is so unexpected," kind of way, but in a purposeful, "Seek to let it happen" way. You do this by making the conscious choice to feel good. It's healthy to release tension and smile in the face of bliss. I forget sometimes in the logistics of being a grownup to remain open to expressions of delight. What makes you happy, what makes you close your eyes with a sigh. I know my answer, it's been a lifelong study of mine.
I love to pamper myself, to feel my strength and flexibility, to snuggle in a sea of blankets, boneless in decadent leisure. I enjoy that delicious connection of velvet peace where only sensation lives. To follow the highway of sensual assault and overcome the tethers of my mind, is pure freedom. Pleasure and sexuality are intimate lovers, but there are other ways to arrive.
An Ayurvedic practice called, "Abhyanga," is the daily art of self massage with soothing oil. From the top of your head to the soles of your feet, you stroke yourself with deliberate healing intent. It has amazing health benefits, emotional and physical, besides detoxing your body, it boosts your immune system, and keeps your skin silky soft. I intend to make this a loving ritual in my life.
   Touching is only one way to experience relief from mental boundaries.Through sight, sound, taste and scent, we are limitless to the wonders of experience. Today I heard it in the call of a Blue Jay, in the warm companionship of my children, and in the exchange of laughter between friends. Pleasure entangles us with those we love, it can be felt alone, in a forest, and a room full of strangers. It can be found by placing one foot in front of the other or the soft caress of a breeze. We all have our threshold to happiness, of how we define comfort. Some prefer their fires to burn hotter than others. It's up to you to choose the amount of flame you desire. Pleasure awakens us from our trance of humanity, and transcends us for a timeless second, into the arms of the divine. Whether we deny or accept this gift, we are all born with the capacity to decide how awake we want to live. Even then, it's easy to slip into complacency. To embrace pleasure is a daily choice.
To give or receive,
Today, I say yes.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

A Full Moon Shines

I think, I feel, I know. All mapped out, I understand what needs to be done to stay on the side of reason. Clear and concise I am. A song plays, a full moon shines, a whisper of scent crosses my mind and suddenly I want to dance without boundaries, to press my heeled boots into the dashboard. To slip my clothes off in the middle of the road. No one around, I answer only to myself. The heat of my words spread across the universe. A torrent of emotions spill from my heart. From zero to ten and back again. I act on whatever inspires passion. To contain myself for the benefit of others, to quench my fire has become impossible. I am everything you never had. Despite inherent reserve. If I feel deeply, you will know. For better or worse, I refuse to hold council behind logical expression. Hear, see, touch. To know me is to feel me. To live my life in its full glory, I gratefully choose these hours of quiet exhaustion and joyful exhilaration. 
I can rest in between.
Life is Short, 
I won't hold back~

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

If All I Had

If all I had were today, I would walk with my children in a pine covered forest. I would hold them in my arms, kiss their sweet faces and express my forever love. I would say how they make every minute worthwhile, just to be in their magical presence.
If all I had were today, I would smile on my closest friends, the new and the old I have known for so long. My dear companions who laugh with me in the sunshine, and dance in the splashing waves.
If all I had were today, I would hug my devoted family and share my happiness of being together. I would cherish their affection and love each shining star. Always a part of me, present in my heart.
If all I had were today, I would go to the river with you my beloved, to touch you one last time. In the flowing water I would kiss you sweetly, and speak of soulful love.
Until we meet again.
If all I had were today, I would forgive those who brought hard lessons, and wish them only peace. I would be grateful to angels who make my world better in a good and healthy way.
If all I had were today, I would kiss the soft forehead of my loving dog. I would rub his floppy ears and whisper praise for his endearing loyalty.
If all I had were today, I would bow before my God and be thankful for this wonderful adventure. For filling my world with Beauty and Blessing every step.
If all I had were today, I would climb the highest mountain and sing a song to the moon. I would allow myself one last tear, and with a joyful leap,
I would spread my wings and fly.
Forever &Today,

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Power of Words

Words words words. It's how we share the essence of who we are. Words between people create intimacy, friendship, and healing. Even unspoken words, no matter how quiet are still being heard. To exchange thoughts and feelings is an amazing gift we take for granted. I know many who would walk to the ends of the earth to have a chance to talk to a loved one who is no longer here in our physical world. My motto to live without regrets pushes me to express the feelings of my heart.  
Because of time, space or distance, if unable to speak in person we can always write. Back in the day, writing was of great importance. Poems, stories, postcards to my grandparents, it was a normal part of life. In high school I spent much of my time writing friends instead of paying attention. As we walked in the halls we would pass notes complete with stick people drawings and secretly answer them in the next class. It was fun. I have a dusty bunch stashed under the recesses of my bed that still make me smile. Love letters, having a fight letter, break up, make up letters. I have done them all. As a form of healing people are advised to journal a pretend letter, but not actually give it to the person they are upset with. An almost impossible feat for myself. If I have something to say, it has to be out loud. Communication keeps me healthy. I know if I keep things locked in I will pay the physical consequences. This is one of the reasons I have a public blog. 
I find solace in being connected. 
I believe words have immense power. Look to the wizards, Merlin and Harry. They may carry a wand, but the magic needs to be directed somehow other than by a few dramatic waves. Without the words to guide the source there would be nothing but random chaos. 
The world of technology has made it easy to communicate from a distance. I love the ability to reach out to someone special by text and get an immediate response. Writing is my passion, but it has its ups and downs. When it's the only option, I am grateful. The written word can bring people together, but can also be used to keep us apart. I would much rather hear a voice or even better to commune in a soul-to-soul personal way. There is a certain magic when you are face to face that cannot be conveyed by any text or phone call. If you are one who believes words are meaningless then you are not the kind of person I like to spend time with. Trust is the foundation in each exchange. Everything in our world is a form of energy, whether your intent is to love, heal, create or destroy, it begins in your heart and goes forth from your lips. So be mindful when you are out there waving your magic wand. Either you are nothing but a light show...
or setting in motion the creation of something beautiful.
In Written Beauty,

Saturday, November 23, 2013


The beauty of a woman is unique and completely her own, a combination of soul and grace. The way we perceive ourselves outwardly will inwardly affect how we chart our course. How we think, creates our world. To judge my own appearance, to critique my inner self, to regret my decisions, creates a pain in my heart that is hard not to see when I look in the mirror. Acceptance starts within, no matter how I look, or where my steps have led. 
My life's journey has been in learning to love myself, so I may learn to love others. In the process of experience, from the time we are born until now, it's more than likely we shall forget the beauty of our wholeness. This of course is true for males, but I speak from a female point of view, since it is my specialty;) 
I once heard the saying, "Women should live as if they have diamonds between their legs." I have to smile in agreement. Certainly the stakes would be much higher when it came to romantic choices if we valued our worth to such a degree. We give ourselves away easily depending on self love, and for this we are treated accordingly. We compromise our joy, simply because it's kinder than being alone, or have specific agendas we hope to follow. Security, family, society or religion, obligations, expectations...all can play a role in intimate decisions. I am not claiming either right or wrong, I have my own history, and none of it followed a straight line. I am at a different stage in my life. I am a chameleon, neither young nor old. My eyes look upon the world, all is well, it's only in the measuring where I feel the loss. Compare me to the woman I was a mere decade ago, and you will see the contrast in my appearance. Younger, softer. Compare me in a decade with the woman I will become, and you will see the same. Here between both worlds I am perfect. I am a woman of great value, because I believe it so. Not because of what you feel, or how you see me. I think myself sexy, therefore I am. I smile into the eyes have a few lines, I have changed profoundly in other ways, but that's okay. I am beautiful in my sadness, I am beautiful in my joy. Lifting my bracelet covered arms to the fullness of the moon, I tilt my head back. My long hair brushes my naked skin. I sway sensually to a rhythm only I hear. The pulsing in my veins reflects the heat of my deepest wants. My whole being is a treasure. To believe otherwise would be to deny each and every step which brought me to this place under the sky.
I accept, I forgive and I love. Inside and out, 
I am a precious jewel.
In Peace,

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Castles made of Sand

"What a bold risk we take when we love so completely."
I wake in silent darkness, somewhere in between the land of dreams and lucid memory. In the misty vision of my subconscious I see myself standing on top a collapsing tower of sand. The sides rapidly break under my feet as I scramble to stay balanced. I finally give up and let myself sink down onto the earth. My eyes drift open as I contemplate the obvious meaning. Growing up on the beaches of California, I spent many long hours building castles made of sand. I knew exactly the kind of texture necessary for strong walls. Too dry, it would crumble. Too wet, it would cave-in. Back and forth to the water's edge, my bucket sloshing, spilling most of its contents at my feet as I ran. The joy of creation superseded any tiredness from toiling under the hot sun. Purely in the moment, my only contemplation was where I would place the next tower and which shell or piece of seaweed would look the nicest. Free and easy I had no one to please but myself. If it didn't work the first time, I would simply rebuild.
I smile as I lay here in the aloneness of my bed. How dramatic to come up with such a vivid expression of how I feel in everyday life. It's not a secret. I know very well where my heart spends much of it's energy. My life is an open book, though you may not be privy to the sexy details, I do not hide behind a wall of protection from many people. I speak, I am open, I release. So why this dream. What am I missing.
The last three years have been a glorious mix of intense love and spoken promises with my best friend and lover. We planned a future together, all was beautiful. Timing and trust are everything in life, and despite our highest intentions, much of what we hoped for came crashing down. The infinite grains now lay scattered at my feet. I see myself in slow motion as I struggle to stand on a tower built not just by myself this time, but by two sets of loving hands. Perhaps we were so caught up in the creating we somehow missed the right amount of ingredients. I always thought love was enough to hold anything together, but without the same commitment it doesn't take much to make it fall apart. My arms grasp in mid air, I look for something to hold on to. Without fail I slip every time. As I lay here in the crumbled remains, I realize at last what I am meant to learn. This lesson has never been in keeping my balance, but in finally allowing myself to fall.
In Lucid Peace,

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Day by Day

Once upon a time until today, I cried. For 5 bewailing months. My sorrow so vast it swallowed me whole. No matter how I pray, talk to loved ones, meditate or walk til my feet ache, I am sad. Sure I have moments, even an hour here and there, of semi normalcy. I can laugh, enjoy beauty, cherish blessings, but inside, my steadfast companion shadows my every move. It's amazing how one can exist with a huge hole in your heart. My close amigos realize my despair. Others have no idea I bide my time til I can be alone to release pent up tears. Like a recovered addict I take things day by day lest I am overcome with terrible longing for all I miss. I pace the night in circles, round and round I go. Always I return to the same spot of heartache. The details unimportant. The common denominator I share with everybody who has stumbled along this same path, is loss. 
For isn't that what grief is made of? Be it a loved one, our health, crushed dreams, or an investment of the soul. It's the perceived black hole of forever that results in this incredible anguish.
Gone is gone. 
I am an alpha female in case you wonder. It's my nature to take charge, be strong, to make things happen. "Where there's a will, there's a way," is my motto. I rarely accept no for an answer unless I've exhausted all possibilities. Even then I can be a charming nuisance until I get what I deem necessary for my survival....or happiness.
I consider myself fortunate. 
Like a cat, no matter how many windows I fall from, I continue to land on my feet. 
Faith, Trust. Belief in a Loving God, my life is filled with grace. I carry a song of gratitude. I am an open book when it comes to joy.
To be here, right now, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can't fix this, I can't sweet talk anyone into making things better. I can't do a damn thing to erase my reality. I can delay, prolong and draw out those minutes before I break open. An enjoyable practice for pleasure, but a bit more stressful when you are hurting. I know there is a light ahead. I am not ready to accept this loss as evermore. Even with the permanency of death, comes the hope of an afterlife. What I once knew, is now over. "Who knows what tomorrow will bring....Sometimes when things fall apart they may actually be falling into place." These are the fluffy quotes I hold on to. Shake your head all you want. I may be delusional, but it's the best I can pull together.
I share this intimate glimpse of my life, because I believe we are all connected. I hear many sad stories, mine is just a blip on the horizon. "Misery loves company," is not my intention. Nor do I suggest we measure grief by who has the most taken away. Nobody deserves to suffer, although it is a constant challenge. Most of us are taught to hide pain. To reveal our soft underbelly for long is a weakness. We hold our feelings private, tightly locked inside. I prefer to weep alone, but am not always successful. Especially of late. Perhaps this is why I feel free to openly speak of my troubled spirit. When life is broken down to the raw essentials, everything else becomes meaningless. If I can't express my deepest sorrow then how can I possibly express my deepest love. Hand in hand, they walk together. I refuse to water down what's in my heart. I grieve, I love. I wail. My pain bleeds into the ocean of the universe. I am not alone in how I feel, and neither are you. Today is another chance to heal, forgive. Perhaps to smile.
I can still Dream