This is a random writing regarding some of the ongoing trials and emotions in my world.
I stand here in the face of life wanting to climb out my bedroom window, to walk the streets all night. Yes I know it's not safe... Exhausted by morning...where would I go? A large part of me cares nothing for reasoning but I bind myself in knotted ropes to fight temptation. What kind of woman wants to live dangerously, what kind of woman would choose to risk the harmony of all she is for the unknown. If I were to let go of what keeps me in control I would be standing on the beach, drinking a bottle of wine, doing whatever it takes to alter my reality. Swimming naked in the waves under the sliver of a moon. To think nothing. To allow the healing water to wash from me the stark pain of impossibilities. My children sleep quiet dreams while their beloved mother longs to run wild and storm thru piercing shadows. I take a deep breath to rein in my craziness and sorrows, my desperate hope for a better tomorrow. I am a divided mess, knowing I have to contend with responsibilities.....to work, pay bills, be a good mama, daughter and friend. Inside.....inside there is another presence going on. How can I continue this double life. It's hard to live from both aspects of myself. The memory of my past at war with the woman I have now become. Wiser, stronger. I imagined I would evolve to be less emotional. In fact with a deeper understanding of time and the reality of loss, I am even more sensitive. In the nonchalance of youth I thought...one day....one day...I will arrive. Now, after many years I have discovered there is no arrival. I am here. I may be in another play, but the heroes and villains are the same. I act my part, convinced by my story. There is beauty in this moment, but for now I feel no relief. This time...this time...I see with clarity. It is what it is, nothing less....and certainly nothing more. I am just peering in from another direction. The experience of life is found in the round and round magic of what has been. No matter the surrounding light, I have been here before. It's okay, maybe this time things will turn out differently. Until then I am going to figure out how to quietly pry the screen off my bedroom window.
Shhhhhhhhh.....
~Raven
I stand here in the face of life wanting to climb out my bedroom window, to walk the streets all night. Yes I know it's not safe... Exhausted by morning...where would I go? A large part of me cares nothing for reasoning but I bind myself in knotted ropes to fight temptation. What kind of woman wants to live dangerously, what kind of woman would choose to risk the harmony of all she is for the unknown. If I were to let go of what keeps me in control I would be standing on the beach, drinking a bottle of wine, doing whatever it takes to alter my reality. Swimming naked in the waves under the sliver of a moon. To think nothing. To allow the healing water to wash from me the stark pain of impossibilities. My children sleep quiet dreams while their beloved mother longs to run wild and storm thru piercing shadows. I take a deep breath to rein in my craziness and sorrows, my desperate hope for a better tomorrow. I am a divided mess, knowing I have to contend with responsibilities.....to work, pay bills, be a good mama, daughter and friend. Inside.....inside there is another presence going on. How can I continue this double life. It's hard to live from both aspects of myself. The memory of my past at war with the woman I have now become. Wiser, stronger. I imagined I would evolve to be less emotional. In fact with a deeper understanding of time and the reality of loss, I am even more sensitive. In the nonchalance of youth I thought...one day....one day...I will arrive. Now, after many years I have discovered there is no arrival. I am here. I may be in another play, but the heroes and villains are the same. I act my part, convinced by my story. There is beauty in this moment, but for now I feel no relief. This time...this time...I see with clarity. It is what it is, nothing less....and certainly nothing more. I am just peering in from another direction. The experience of life is found in the round and round magic of what has been. No matter the surrounding light, I have been here before. It's okay, maybe this time things will turn out differently. Until then I am going to figure out how to quietly pry the screen off my bedroom window.
Shhhhhhhhh.....
~Raven
