Swimming Naked

This is a random writing regarding some of the ongoing trials and emotions in my world.
I stand here in the face of life wanting to climb out my bedroom window, to walk the streets all night. Yes I know it's not safe... Exhausted by morning...where would I go? A large part of me cares nothing for reasoning but I bind myself in knotted ropes to fight temptation. What kind of woman wants to live dangerously, what kind of woman would choose to risk the harmony of all she is for the unknown. If I were to let go of what keeps me in control I would be standing on the beach, drinking a bottle of wine, doing whatever it takes to alter my reality. Swimming naked in the waves under the sliver of a moon. To think nothing. To allow the healing water to wash from me the stark pain of impossibilities. My children sleep quiet dreams while their beloved mother longs to run wild and storm thru piercing shadows. I take a deep breath to rein in my craziness and sorrows, my desperate hope for a better tomorrow. I am a divided mess, knowing I have to contend with responsibilities.....to work, pay bills, be a good mama, daughter and friend. Inside.....inside there is another presence going on. How can I continue this double life. It's hard to live from both aspects of myself. The memory of my past at war with the woman I have now become. Wiser, stronger. I imagined I would evolve to be less emotional. In fact with a deeper understanding of time and the reality of loss, I am even more sensitive. In the nonchalance of youth I thought...one day....one day...I will arrive. Now, after many years I have discovered there is no arrival. I am here. I may be in another play, but the heroes and villains are the same. I act my part, convinced by my story. There is beauty in this moment, but for now I feel no relief. This time...this time...I see with clarity. It is what it is, nothing less....and certainly nothing more. I am just peering in from another direction. The experience of life is found in the round and round magic of what has been. No matter the surrounding light, I have been here before. It's okay, maybe this time things will turn out differently. Until then I am going to figure out how to quietly pry the screen off my bedroom window.
Shhhhhhhhh.....
~Raven

Reverberations

"A sound that is repeated many times as it hits two opposite surfaces, so that it makes a place seem to shake slightly."

     This year has been a shaky one at best. I barely recovered from one upset only to be hit by another of the same caliber. How do you stay strong when the places of your heart are reverberating in continued sorrow. I feel broken. All the positive ways I believe have not made a single dent to the island of sand in which I'm trapped. I am here because of my choices, yet wanting to pull away. No one holds me against my will. Unable to summon up the strength to leave I focus only on what I have lost. A victim to sadness. I wake daily wanting to feel better, to reclaim my dreams yet weighed down by my inability to accept reality. Trapped in my own story. 

     I am more than this moment of weakness. I am a Goddess, a Joyful Spirit, filled with Amazing qualities. I am a Diamond, a Sensual Majestic Being. Then why? Why do I measure the goodness of my beauty against what is no more. Am I not complete on my own. To give away the power of my happiness cannot be healthy or wise. All or nothing I decide. Nothing is what I have left. 

     I do not discount the wonder of what I experience. I do not regret the knowing. To lament any further becomes a clamoring to those around me. I have become a martyr to my desires. Promises made under the darkness of night shine dull in the light of day. Tarnished, they speak in hushed tones, mocking how I once believed them to be of pure gold. 

     There is always tomorrow. I pray the spark of joy within, flares brighter than it has before. Life changes in the blink of an eye. If I am to move forward, then let it be by my own strength. In the long run, I am all I have. To free myself, or stay buried.....The possibilities are endless.
I will try again in the morning.
~Raven

Love Eternal

"Souls are connected, we never truly lose our loved ones."

 This must be true! How could the Sacred Beauty we experience in every day life here on earth, not be just as glorious in the Spirit world from whence we came. I refuse to believe otherwise. The Love we share is eternally more grand than any faint lines we imagine separating us between Life and the Other side. Yesterday morning we witnessed the passing of a beloved family member. My son woke early and immediately realized our 9 year old dog Timber was not well. I went to the living room next to where he slept, took a deep breath and called my faithful friend. His first steps were a valiant effort to do what his heart wanted, to come close and give my face a lick, hence his other name, TimberLickey. With a sweet smile, he stood on shaky legs then quickly collapsed within a few feet from where I waited. Once we realized there was no hope for intervention, my children and I sat by his side, our hands intermingling as we stroked his soft fur. Complete, we made a circle of Love. Watching him shudder with his last breaths was both heartbreaking and beautiful. I will never forget those moments, my hand on his chest, the rapid beat of his heart becoming still as we sobbed our goodbyes. Despite the deep sorrow at his sudden passing, I am thankful we were there when it happened, I think he waited for us. He went peacefully. Now here we are. A very important and large space in our life is empty, and forever will be. I would like to believe he is near, and one day we will be joyfully reunited. However the grief I feel makes it difficult to find solace in what sometimes appears to be wishful thinking. The lessons of loss are harsh ones. Time is said to heal all wounds, yet it is time itself which seems to rob of us what was once ours to hold. I lay here in the quietness of my despair and know I need to make a decision. My spiritual beliefs are the guidelines to my soul. Just like Timber followed his heart, I must make the choice to follow mine. Can I use the tears of my sadness to water the flowers of lost hope. Is that how faith is born, to find joy in the sacredness of what appears to be nothing more than death. My story is yours. We all experience loss, and we all must choose what to do with it. I lay here in the quietness, in the vast space that once was my dear friend. The lessons of his love much bigger than the sorrows of my earthly beliefs. To believe there is nothing more would contradict all that once was. Clouded by tears, my eyes cannot see him though I know he is close. Love is not something that can be seen anyways, so for now I will honor his life by believing what he came here to teach. Love is eternal, It just is. 

In Faith

~Raven

On Being Edgy

 

Usually I navigate life in a peaceful ~ composed manner. I am a high energy person, and sometimes it's not so easy to remain calm. When I am able to channel my passions in a good direction I feel serene and right with the world. When I can't seem to maintain my emotional balance, I wake up feeling kind of edgy.

This is not always a bad thing as I can use this edginess to inspire my choices and make creative decisions. I looked up 'edgy' in the dictionary, and with several definitions to choose from, I found this to be the closest.  

"Reckless, Sensitive, Excitable, Impatient, Keyed Up, Passionate, High-Strung and Fierce."  

The fierce part is my term. One time I actually had a man tell me he wasn't interested in me 'relationship wise' as I wasn't edgy enough. I thought he meant I didn't have enough piercings or wouldn't be able to handle my own in a street fight, which I can't. To this day I'm not quite sure, but it no longer matters. I think this is one of those words which has different meanings to people depending on just how edgy you yourself may be.  

Right now I am definitely feeling a little restless and on edge. Back when I was a younger, wilder version of myself this would often lead to my not making the safest or sanest choices. Although some of my most adventurous stories were born from these moments, leaving me with happy memories and few regrets. Recognizing when I feel this way, I have developed an awareness for where my steps may lead, setting off my alert signals to take heed before I jump impulsively into the turbulent waters of possibilities below. Now a little wiser, I stop and check for the deepest area of the river before plunging in.   

My life would be pretty boring if I tried to change this part of who I am. I have always rebelled against limitations, or someone suggesting I can't do something just because it doesn't work for their belief system. I am content living between these two sides of my personality, 

I like being the peaceful,
 edgy woman I consider myself to be.  

I will say this, I respect people who are clear and honest about their feelings, whether or not I want to hear what they have to say. Life should not be wasted pretending you are someone different, or your romantic stars are in alignment when they are not. I try to live without many self-imposed rules,
 and I greatly value when others do the same.  

Although I may not be ready to get in dive formation, I am perched on the highest rock checking from my advantage point for the safer waters below.  

I believe I have awhile to enjoy the view. Circumstances often change and I can come back another day. I will know when its my hour of

 passionate recklessness and time to dive in.  

To everybody already splashing around, this will not be the first or last occasion I will be joining you. Contemplation is good, but getting in and playing is so much more fun.  

Until then......

Perhaps I may get a few more piercings or take up kick boxing, who knows, it might be time for some newness in my fierce life ~~~~~
In Edgy Peace,
Raven

Walking In Circles

Being physically still while feeling upset is difficult for me. Because of this, one of the ways I bring calm into my life is by walking. A secluded forest beside a river is my favorite place to be. I love the unfolding beauty around each bend, the soothing murmur of trees as I walk beneath their comforting canopy. I can choose the same path over and over, yet still hear a different story with every journey. The water moves around my faithful friends the rocks, reminding me life is in constant flow despite my stony determination to resist. 

Early this evening, with little time to travel elsewhere, I decided to walk around the high school track near my home. Without going into much detail, I am currently in the midst of heartache. My lover and I quietly together for 2 years, 8 months, are falling apart. Some days are better than others, and today was not one of them. With my mind shouting frantic unease to my already lamenting heart, serenity seemed far out of reach. With a shuddering breath, I set forth. 

No sticks to trip over, hills to climb, or branches to navigate, all I had to do was place one foot in front of the other. Round and round I went, step by step I entered a meditative trance. Slowly the tight chains holding hope captive began to unwind. By circle eight, I thought of a woman known by my son, recently diagnosed with Leukemia. My personal trials became softer. I sent her a prayer for healing. By circle nine, I became thankful for the unconditional loyalty of family and friends who reach out to hold my hand in loving support. By circle ten, I felt the energy of approaching night bathe me in it's twilight calm. By my last circle, number 11, I came to this realization. 

"Acceptance depends not in fully understanding the hows or whys of my particular path, but on absolute faith.
I am blessed, and always will be."

 Love me or leave me, I remain beautiful and whole.
Tomorrow is a new day, and it's almost for sure I will need to set out again. By each experience, I can breathe a little clearer and am one step closer to peace. Within my sadness, lies the presence of joy.
Walking opens the window separating the two,
so I may hear the wisdom of my soul.

My question before I set out tonight was this, "If you walk in circles, can you get anywhere?" My answer is yes. Through a forest, beside a river, or round and round. All you need is an open heart to voyage across the great divide between sorrow into healing.

In Walking Meditation

~ Raven

Being Complete Under the Night Sky

Its hard not to look outside myself for happiness or serenity. Sometimes I feel like I am restlessly waiting for something..anything...to make me feel complete. Most of the time I am at peace with where I am ...what I am doing. I know I am on the right path, I feel good about myself and my life.  There are other times though when I feel almost lost inside. Late at night I go out onto my deck overlooking the lake, I stand there under the vast night sky feeling part of the whole Universe. I have the urge to wake up my children so they can share this time with me. I resist and stand alone, wondering how it would be to have someone by my side sharing these moments. I have had several close relationships throughout my life, and a marriage of 14 years, so I am not a novice when it comes to togetherness. Being in a relationship has never really taken away these feelings..its easy to be alone even when surrounded by others, at least it has been for me. I know the answer lies within rather than without, a lesson I have learned numerous times, yet find myself revisiting often. These days or nights when I feel this way, once I become awake to the growing emptiness, I know what to do. I take a deep breath and release all I have been keeping inside, and I wait. I wait not for someone or something to fill up the vastness of my sorrow, for that in itself is fleeting. No...I wait for my Connection to the Creator of all that Is..my Spirit Essence.. to wrap itself around, and thru me, moving timelessly through every molecule of my Body. I remain there in the silence of Beauty. I am Healed. Life again becomes filled with hope and promise, I stand strong where I am. Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, and so is being alone. Either way I have all I need. I am complete and always will be.

In Graceful Serenity

~Raven

In the Here and Now

In the present moment, I am filled with sorrow. 

With no easy escape or place to hide.
Unable to move in either direction.
Thinking of steps which led me here,
makes no difference to what has now become.

   Wasn't it yesterday, when everything seemed right.
Perhaps I was dreaming, lost in a fantasy
of how I wanted life to be.
Blind to the unraveling strings of my desire,
trailing behind me for everyone else to see.
  Dancing naked in the belief of promises made
under scattered beams of shifting light.
Surely Beauty and Grace travel near,

always my closest friends,
until their arrival, I rest within shadows.
Praying for relief, accepting where I am.  

My only solace to trust the hidden blessings,
patiently waiting to be revealed.

~Raven