"What a bold risk we take when we love so completely."
I wake in silent darkness, somewhere in between the land of dreams and lucid memory. In the misty vision of my subconscious I see myself standing on top a collapsing tower of sand. The sides rapidly break under my feet as I scramble to stay balanced. I finally give up and let myself sink down onto the earth. My eyes drift open as I contemplate the obvious meaning. Growing up on the beaches of California, I spent many long hours building castles made of sand. I knew exactly the kind of texture necessary for strong walls. Too dry, it would crumble. Too wet, it would cave-in. Back and forth to the water's edge, my bucket sloshing, spilling most of its contents at my feet as I ran. The joy of creation superseded any tiredness from toiling under the hot sun. Purely in the moment, my only contemplation was where I would place the next tower and which shell or piece of seaweed would look the nicest. Free and easy I had no one to please but myself. If it didn't work the first time, I would simply rebuild.
I smile as I lay here in the aloneness of my bed. How dramatic to come up with such a vivid expression of how I feel in everyday life. It's not a secret. I know very well where my heart spends much of it's energy. My life is an open book, though you may not be privy to the sexy details, I do not hide behind a wall of protection from many people. I speak, I am open, I release. So why this dream. What am I missing.
The last three years have been a glorious mix of intense love and spoken promises with my best friend and lover. We planned a future together, all was beautiful. Timing and trust are everything in life, and despite our highest intentions, much of what we hoped for came crashing down. The infinite grains now lay scattered at my feet. I see myself in slow motion as I struggle to stand on a tower built not just by myself this time, but by two sets of loving hands. Perhaps we were so caught up in the creating we somehow missed the right amount of ingredients. I always thought love was enough to hold anything together, but without the same commitment it doesn't take much to make it fall apart. My arms grasp in mid air, I look for something to hold on to. Without fail I slip every time. As I lay here in the crumbled remains, I realize at last what I am meant to learn. This lesson has never been in keeping my balance, but in finally allowing myself to fall.
In Lucid Peace,
~Raven
