Ashes to Ashes All Fall Down

     Once upon a time, I frequented countless Grateful Dead concerts. The main vibe was of careless abandon, and relaxed expression. I loved the total freedom. Listening to their awesome music I danced for hours without end. Dressed in my colorful gypsy California way,
barefoot, swaying to the rhythm.  

Connected to my inner flowing mystical woman.   

Nothing came between us ~ The music and I were one.  

    The other morning I discovered a huge bin of CDs deserted by someone on the side of the road.  Nestled among all kinds of old and new were a magical stash of Grateful Dead music.  

I listen and remember~~

  Its one thing to be pleasantly floating at a Dead show, and another to be hearing my favorite songs confined to the depths of my home.  

Emotionally I am not in the best place.   

     'Ashes to ashes all fall down' is blasting thru my room, bouncing off walls, and around my head. Somehow meaning something very different than it used to.  

Over 20 years later and I still don't have it all together. I think the greatest truth we can give our children is the knowledge that ultimately we will never get it completely right. Life has its twists and turns and no matter how positive or wise we are, there are those moments when everything is messed up.

     Today I heard my brother in California almost didn't wake up from a minor surgery. My mother told me this in a shaky voice at the same time sharing how she herself had been kept in an Urgent Medical Center the other night until 1 in the morning. Everybody was fine... Now.  

I sat there with the phone pressed to my ear outside a yard sale trying to absorb the momentum of these happenings. Its funny how something serious is unable to stand on its own. Lonely by itself in the land of worrisome news it seems to grab on to any floating concerns nearby. Sitting there, thinking about the fragility of my beloveds, I am abruptly exhausted by the troubles of my daily existence. I am now consumed with my own struggles. Suddenly I am overwhelmed. Why must these issues coexist and seem to loom out of nowhere. I was feeling peaceful just a few minutes ago. Wasn't I just contemplating whether to buy a barely used rain barrel for a significantly reduced price?

Breathe...its all okay, don't worry.   

Life can be hard sometimes.  

I want so much to be that girl again, eyes drifted closed.  

Indecent, wild and free.  

Dancing without care,  

unencumbered by sorrow or fear.    

Running from my feelings doesn't help, believe me I have tried. For now I stay.  

Writing, thinking, counting my Blessings.  

Eventually I will feel better.    

There is always tomorrow, and I am Gratefully dizzy with my Journey of Beautiful Possibilities. 

~Ultimately I Love the Sacredness of my Life~ 

I Will Get By 

Raven

        

Fly High Free Bird

How many different lives can I experience in this lifetime?
     I grew up in California, and stayed there until my 20's.   Living as a roller skating beach babe was a lot of fun.   The nights were the best.  After a beautiful day in the sunshine, we would wander the sandy ways, bonfires, partying, listening to music, being free mostly.  I loved it all, totally thriving in my element.  However not everything was good, in fact part of the reason I came to New England was to escape unhealthy emotional ties.   My whole life's quest has been to find inner peace.  Living this way, was no longer bringing me serenity, I needed change.  Knowing it was beyond my capabilities to make any where I was, I flew east.   I planned on staying 6 months, a whole life time ago.

     Married, divorced, 3 wonderful children later.  I have a small home of my own.  Living on a lake gives me enough open space where I don't feel trapped, something I value greatly.  My family 3000 miles away, its just myself and the kids.  With no beach around for miles,  I now find solace a midst the trees and rivers.  No longer flying down the boardwalk navigating tourists or wandering with other wild ones, I live at a significantly quieter pace.  My life is all about survival and finding my passions.  I need the balance of both to stay connected, to be at peace.  Some may call this growing up, a natural progression.  

     A lot of this unplanned.  I never had a blueprint for where I was to go.  Pretty much winging it all the way is my choice of travel.   Following my inner instincts and feelings have lead me from one lifetime into another.  Perhaps its in the unknowing where I find my biggest worries and my greatest happiness.  Though I continue to reach for certain goals, mostly I am flying by the seat of my pants.  Living by my own initiative and perceptions has taken me all over the place.  Sometimes I liken myself to a hang glider pilot.  Only by throwing myself off a cliff into thin air, can I find the lift in the turbulence I need to soar.  Frightening sometimes, since I am afraid of heights.  The visibility up here isn't always good, often cloudy, foggy and dark, I have to rely on my other senses to see where I am going.  Most of the time though, its a lot of fun, sort of how I felt back in the days of skating on the boardwalk.  Feeling beautiful and alive, my headphones on, smiling into the sunshine with not a care in the world.   

     Life is a wonderful journey, whether you are walking, skating or flying.  Being at peace, soaring high and free is where I find my joy.  I may not always know where I am going, but my heart has been here before and I trust where I will land.   I think I may have misjudged this journey of mine by breaking it into segments.  Perhaps there is no difference to where I was before or find myself now, comparing outcomes is all subjective.  My way of travel brings me to where I like to be, surrounded by water, the beauty of nature, connected to my loved ones, both near and far.
Freedom to fly as often as I want,  

I like where I am.

A lifetime ago, I was making the same choices.  

The convictions of my inner spirit have always led me to follow the ways of the wind. 

Thank you my friends and loved ones for sharing in my days, 

now please excuse me while I stretch my wings. 

I feel an ocean breeze coming my way~

May you Journey in Beauty

and Peace,

Raven

     

   

A Raven in the City

My boys and I had quite a time in New York City.  Though I like to think of myself as a worldly woman, I was slightly out of my element.  Arriving at the train station in New Haven, I was nervous to find only a machine in which to purchase our tickets.  I had expected live assistance and was not reassured by the lack of human response to my many questions.  Thankfully I figured everything out and was soon seated on the correct train, happy next to the window where I could gaze out at the passing scenery.  

     Lost in thought I enjoyed most of the ride.  Nearing the outskirts, I began to see the refuse and litter of an uncaring society.  Being a zealot of recycling, and a healthy green earth, I was dismayed by the mountains of trash thoughtlessly tossed along the tracks.  Contemplating feelings of doom, we came to a long dark tunnel leading us to our final exit of Grand Central Station.  Reminding me of creepy movies and forgotten nightmares, we traveled through this shadowy underworld where rats, lost souls and a myriad of nameless entities too dreadful to contemplate most assuredly lurked.  I would sooner be lost in a jungle than to find myself wandering, unprotected in this dangerous cement landscape.  

     Upon reaching the city, forced to set my vivid imagination aside, we continued on our adventure.
     Grand Central Station is quite beautiful, a work of art.  If desired, one could spend hours admiring the architecture, the many shops and variety of restaurants.  We arrived 3 hours early for our appointment, and had plenty of time to walk the less then 20 blocks needed to be punctual.  My boys had been asked by a well known modeling agency to come for an interview.  We were excited at the possibilities.  Making sure our backpacks filled with the necessities of travel were closed and tightly strapped, we boldly stepped out of the air conditioned station on to the hot dirty streets of a crazy city. 

 
     Having viewed a map from the comfort of my home, it was easy to find our destination.  Along the way we stopped and had a wonderful meal at one of my favorite missed restaurants from California, 'Baja Fresh.'  Already the energy and money spent was worth it to be enjoying the luxury of delicious Mexican cuisine.  

 Arriving early, we gratefully rested in the air conditioned lobby of the 'New Yorker,' a fancy hotel where we were to have the interview.  Seated on plump leather couches, we waited, reading quietly.  Finally it was time.

 The meeting itself strangely anticlimactic.  Intrigued by their exotic looks, the agents were hopeful of finding the right kinds of opportunities for a successful modeling career.   However, because of their long hair, were hesitant about the amount of choices.  Apparently the more they look like every other male, the better the odds.  Its their uniqueness which makes them who they are, and though hair is only an outward sign, cutting it to be like everyone else does not make sense.  We are not making any changes for now.  As a family who does not often travel the usual beaten path, I am not concerned.  The Universe has always made space for us, and I trust it will continue to do so in a way both special and right for my family.  

     Afterwards we left the hotel with satisfied hearts.  With hours of free time we wandered the streets like tourists, taking pictures, surrounded by thousands of people all doing the same.  Marveling in amazement at the huge skyscrapers, and fantastical animated billboards.  With pounding energy filling every one of our senses, we had the greatest of times!  

    

One of our favorite moments was to stop in Bryant Park, where we watched the chess players casually compete.  A normal day in the life for them, but such a colorful one for us.  Tired from our adventure, by the time we made it back to Grand Central we were more than ready to start our journey home.

     Upon boarding, I was informed there would be no trains heading back to the station from where we had started.  We would be arriving at another station and have to walk only 4.... or so.... blocks, late at night, through unknown terrain, back to the parking garage where I had left my car.  Deciding not to worry,  exhausted, under the florescent lights of the train, we left the city, with memories of a very fulfilling day.
     Two hours later, reaching the station we began our walk back.  Despite simple directions given by a security guard, the boys and I quickly became lost.  Walking down a desolate street at almost 10 o'clock, we realized nothing and everything looked familiar.  Trying not to panic, my eyes searching the darkness for possible threats, I spotted a policeman entering what I soon found out to be a police station.  Fluffing up my hair, free once again to be my flirty self, I walked in and explained our situation.  Before I knew it my boys were tucked into the back seat of a police car, with myself up front, rescued by a very nice officer.  We had been lot further and more turned around then we had imagined, safely escorted to the entrance, we waved goodbye. 

Footsteps echoing in the loud silence, feeling more vulnerable then I had earlier, we entered the empty garage.  With not a soul in sight, and hiding places everywhere, it took a while for us to finally make our way through the twisting turns to spot our car.  Exhaling and happy, we paid for our time through the automated machine, driving underneath the mechanical arm closing behind us, we followed the signs down a steep narrow passage only to find ourselves facing a chain link fence.  We were trapped in the garage.  Swearing I backed up to the top of the incline where I pondered my options of spending the night, curled up in my front seat, or ramming through the metal arm like they do in the movies.  

Looking around I saw a passage blocked by a row of large orange pylons.  Figuring this to be the least dramatic, I got out and moved them.  Taking a detour, going the wrong direction along the twisting one way streets, hoping no one was coming the opposite way, we traveled quite a distance before finally escaping out the entrance.  Stumbling from fatigue an hour later, the children and I home at last to our lake sanctuary.  Tomorrow we would replay every minute of our exciting journey.   For now, falling fast asleep, we were ready to enter the quietness of our dreams.  

In Peace and Safe Adventures

~Raven