Having someone to count on would be a nice addition to my life. Yes I am talking about a relationship, but also something more. To be honest it would be an easy thing for me to date, have a boyfriend....be involved. The counting on part seems to be a whole different matter. The Rolling Stones said it so well., "We all need someone to Lean on." This someone is greatly missing in my life. Sure, I have family to call for emotional support, along with a handful of very close comrades who are always there to lend an ear when needed. Believe me, I don't take this for granted. I also have a small group of friends I could call to physically help if asked, or come running to save me if I were to light the signal fires. Several years ago, I did not have this supporting force behind me, so once again I am incredibly grateful for their friendships.
I have always prided myself on not being a needy woman. To me, this would be my downfall, a way to lose myself. I do not need a man in my life to make me feel loved, stronger, more capable or not alone. I can take care of myself in that way. What I would like is a companion to my world, a partner to not only physically share the burden of planting and weeding from the garden of my days, but someone who will also enjoy the bountiful fruits of our labor, maybe even chase a few deer out now and then. I have never had this in my life. I wonder if its something within me that prevents a relationship like this from coming about. Please understand I am not feeling sorry for myself, I love my life and take great pleasure in all I am blessed with. My children and I are very close, my dear companions and soul mates, and when necessary we are able to forge raging rivers and move small mountains. Somehow day by day, year by year we manage to make it all come together. I have a network of people and community who care about me, I am not living in isolation. I know I may sound like a three year old, but really, "I can do it by myself."
These times when I feel like this usually happen late at night, or between the small hours in the morning. Perhaps its when everybody is deeply asleep, somehow my subconscious mind feels free to explore the depths of my heart, knowing I will not be interrupted. Christmas is coming, I have been laid off for awhile now, the ton of pellets in my shed needs to be moved to my basement, another cord of wood has to be ordered and stacked, windows covered, kindling found, leaves raked and I could definitely use a hug. How I am going to take care of this I don't know. Sounds more like I need a friendly landscaper/repair man then a relationship. Its not so much the labor I need help with, although this would be nice, I just want to lean on a person I can count on, in every way. Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. All the makings of a fairytale. There have been several candidates for this position, and many applications submitted. My heart and intuition choose otherwise, and so far this opportunity remains open. Its early morning, and I think I will go back to sleep. Today is my daughter's birthday and soon the house will be filled with the sounds of laughter and hungry children. I will forget I even wrote this, let alone posted for all to see. You may wonder why I share these feelings with others, I often do myself. Ultimately I feel stronger by revealing what I think are my weaknesses, almost like I dare myself to be vulnerable before witnesses. Confessions, I have learned, can sometimes be good for my soul. Things which seem so big and formidable in the wee hours of the night are much smaller in the light of day. The work will get done, my finances back together, and I am sure if I looked hard enough, I can find a hug somewhere.
