Living In Your Light

     I have a very dear friend who in his younger days had been a Trappist Monk.  I was introduced to him many years later, following his marriage, and having raised four children.  In fact I met him not too long after he lost his house and every one of his material possessions in a fire.   Its been about 8 years since he rebuilt by his own hands, a beautiful new home, where he now lives, peacefully content with his new life.

     Though its not often we see each other, whenever we do, I feel an instant sense of what it must be like to live and walk in Spirit.  There are some people in life who seem to glow with an inner Light so powerful and strong, when in their presence you immediately feel a connection to a Faith beyond measure.  He definitely is one of them.  Always he greets me with a affectionate hug, looks into my eyes and asks, "Are you Living in your Light, are you holding on to your Power?"  

    Over the years I have often considered his words,  In the beginning I would answer yes without much thought.  Wondering, what this question meant.  Doesn't everybody live in their light....as for holding on to my power, of course.  How, or why, would I ever give it away, exactly what was he asking anyways.  "Yes," I would tentatively murmur....

"Good," he would respond, "You stay in Your Light, do not ever give away your Power."  

After a while it became a standard greeting, sometimes with my volunteering the status of my shiny light and power holding ability, without him even having to ask.  Once during a particularly difficult period of my life, I ran into him at a Powwow.  This time after our usual greeting and question, I realized there and then what he had been saying all along.  "No," I said, I am not in my Light."  Without going into details now irrelevant, at the time I felt very defeated, and hopeless.  My heart was heavy, I was scared.  Living in your Light is easy, when Life is good.  Trust, Beauty, Faith, my normal foundation, were hidden under a cloud of my own despair.  Standing there, understanding filled my heart, suddenly I knew.  Looking back to the days, months and years bringing me to this place, I could see all the different times where I had set my Light aside.  Giving the power of my happiness over to someone or something else, letting circumstances build me up, or tear me down, making others responsible for how I felt, allowing fear and negativity to wear at my Spirit.   Discovering all along, my power and light were treasures born to me, forever mine, impossible to lose.  Unfortunately, easy to set aside. 

Giving up myself, or living in darkness was my own illusion.  

Once aware, I became mindful of the different situations when I would begin to feel "less than good inside," or wanting to blame others for where my journey was taking me.  Realizing its my choice to forgive, my choice to heal, and my choice to move onward when a situation no longer is emotionally healthy.  My being happy and feeling peaceful are not dependent on someone else's behavior, its up to me how my days are filled, nobody has control unless I give it to them.  Its my decision.   

 Yes, many things in life are unavoidable, people may not act or treat us the way we feel is right, and some roads are not easy.  I don't constantly remember to 'Walk in Beauty' right away.  Oftentimes I have to retrace my footsteps, hoping with practice, I will learn to recognize a little sooner when to check the switch on my lantern, or recharge my batteries.   

Am I living in my light, am I holding on to my power.  

Yes, but not always, I'm working on it every day.  

Knowing how it is to live both ways, 

as a woman of fine discerning tastes,  

I find I greatly prefer the feeling good way.  

After all, its my choice. 

In Peace,

Raven 

Loneliness

     If you ever looked up the word "lonely" in a dictionary, you would understand how much sadness is linked to this state of being. "Companion less, isolated, bleak, solitary, standing apart, and separate." No wonder I hesitate to use this word as a description for my feelings.  

     I was speaking to someone the other day, a dear friend I have known since I was a teenager, one I am very comfortable with. I was trying to share my feelings...it went something like this. "I think I feel lonely...well, no not lonely...more like..umm alone...kinda lonely..but...well...not really lonely...sorta...but...maybe I do feel lonely sometimes...not always..."
This went on for several rambling minutes
 before I finally gave up and admitted outright,
 I was feeling lonely.

     You would think since it was difficult to confess to my friend, I would take it no further. However being the expressive writer I am compelled to be, I have decided to go all the way and bring it out in the open for everybody. I can't be the only one to experience this emotion. Maybe my sharing will inspire others, or at least help someone know they are not alone... in their loneliness.

     Right now I am sitting next to my wood stove, cozy and warm with my 2 dogs dozing nearby.  My children are gone until tomorrow evening, so unless you count my animal friends, I am alone. If I wanted I could call someone, or reach out into the social world of the Internet where I have many connections. I might later, for now I am content. I pride myself on being independent. I am a self-contained woman, strong in my spiritual beliefs, confident and happy. I enjoy my own company, and have many hobbies I could get lost in. I know how it is to be alone, even when in a relationship.  Believe me when I say I greatly prefer to be here by myself, than to be here with someone
....just because.I am at peace with where I am.

    I have always been careful not to  appear vulnerable. Admitting to feeling lonely almost seems like a weakness. I think this must be some leftover primitive fear from ancient DNA. To be alone in the days of old, more than likely meant a lifetime of hardship and struggle. Most probably an early death. Chances for survival increase by having family close by, or
better yet, a mate to help provide food, shelter and protection.
Even wolves know this to be true. To be in a wolf pack means safety and continuation. In the animal kingdom, lone wolves have difficulty going solo. Used to stalking large prey, they are forced to hunt small animals to survive. Often they continue to live by themselves, becoming stronger and more aggressive, or if lucky, find a different pack to join. Occasionally one will meet up with another lone wolf of the opposite sex and start a family of their own. It's a hard life being single, even for our 4-legged friends.
My feeling lonely, doesn't mean I am without hope, depressed, bitter, angry or weak. Nor does it define my spirituality or way of being. A feeling is just a feeling, not the total essence of who I am. Emotions are temporary and change often. I have options to choose from to feel better. I can reach out to my loved ones, spend time with friends, pray, go for a walk, write, hug my dogs, listen to music, or read a book. My life is full, I have everything I need within myself, I am complete.
One day I will meet up with another Lone~Wolf. Together we will run through the forest of our days, celebrating the Beauty of Life together. I am not worried, nor am I seeking reassurance from any who will be reading this. I am good, all is well. I am blessed to have my own wolf pack, and if sometimes I travel as a lone-wolf, it's okay. I know the rest are not far behind, I don't have to hunt alone.
I have learned a lot about myself since my emotional confession over the phone.
Being Lonely is not a Vulnerability.
Neither is sadness, frustration, disappointment, or any other uncomfortable feeling I may have.
My weakness has never been in admitting to the shadows within myself. It has only been in the pretending they were never there in the first place.
In Peace,
Raven

Being Edgy

   

Usually I navigate life in a peaceful ~ composed manner. I have always been a high energy person, and sometimes it's not so easy to remain calm. When I am able to channel my passions in a good direction I feel serene and right with the world. When I can't seem to maintain my emotional balance, I wake up feeling kind of edgy.  

This is not always a bad thing as I can use this edginess to inspire my choices and make creative decisions. I looked up 'edgy' in the dictionary, and with several definitions to choose from, I found this to be the closest.  

"Reckless, Sensitive, Excitable, Impatient, Keyed Up, Passionate, High-Strung and Fierce."  

The fierce part is my term. One time I actually had a man tell me he wasn't interested in me 'relationship wise' as I wasn't edgy enough. I thought he meant I didn't have enough piercings or wouldn't be able to handle my own in a street fight, which I can't. To this day I'm not quite sure, but it no longer matters. I think this is one of those words which has different meanings to people depending on just how edgy you yourself may be.  

Right now I am definitely feeling a little restless and on edge. Back when I was a younger, wilder version of myself this would often lead to my not making the safest or sanest choices. Although some of my most adventurous stories were born from these moments, leaving me with happy memories and few regrets. Recognizing when I feel this way, I have developed an awareness for where my steps may lead, setting off my alert signals to take heed before I jump impulsively into the turbulent waters of possibilities below. Now a little wiser, I stop and check for the deepest area of the river before plunging in.   

My life would be pretty boring if I tried to change this part of who I am. I have always rebelled against limitations, or someone suggesting I can't do something just because it doesn't work for their belief system. I am content living between these two sides of my personality, 

I like being the peaceful,
 edgy woman I consider myself to be.  

I will say this, I respect people who are clear and honest about their feelings, whether or not I want to hear what they have to say. Life should not be wasted pretending you are someone different, or your romantic stars are in alignment when they are not. I try to live without many self-imposed rules,
 and I greatly value when others do the same.  

Although I may not be ready to get in dive formation, I am perched on the highest rock checking from my advantage point for the safer waters below.  

I believe I have plenty of time to enjoy the view. Circumstances are always changing and I can come back another day. I will know when its my hour of

 passionate recklessness and time to dive in.  

To everybody already splashing around, this will not be the first or last time I will be joining you. Contemplation is good, but getting in and playing is so much more fun.  

Until then......

Perhaps I may get a few more piercings or take up kick boxing, who knows, it might be time for some newness in my fierce life ~~~~~
In Edgy Peace,
Raven

Power of Healing

     This weekend at a New Year's Celebration Powwow, I was inspired by an encounter with two Healers. One female, the other male, each of a different focus, both with similar intent. In the small amount of time I was able to spend with them I learned a great deal, and many of my existing concepts were reinforced.  

I believe we all have the power to heal. Whether we recognize this ability, is a personal choice. For some it seems a natural gift, a calling, for others it appears to be just outside of normal reach. As human beings one of the first things we do when someone becomes hurt, is to place our hands in a comforting position, hopefully transferring through touch some much needed calm. Acting from our spiritual intuition, we understand this to an important step towards making someone feel better.  

Healing comes in many forms. Laying of hands, energy work, prayer, modern medicine, foods, herbal remedy, acupuncture and other practices depending on culture or spiritual beliefs. Having good intentions, and an openness to connect to the Universal Life force is essential. Spending time in nature, breathing in living Beauty, can be a powerful remedy. I think we would be surprised at how many times our body heals unknowing, made whole, without ever having been aware that anything was amiss.

     We experience healing on every level, Physical, Spiritual and Emotional, all three tightly intertwined. What we choose to believe, forgiveness, the quality of food, physical exercise, all combine to influence our state of health. Our body is born with the miraculous capacity to repair and renew. This amazing talent occurs in every cell, minute by minute, at an intricate level too complex to comprehend. We truly are Sacred beings.
Being healthy is more than just feeling right in our body. It's knowing there is a direct stream of Love between our selves and the Creator of the Universe.  

      Any reminder of who I am as a Spiritual being transports me to a place of peace I often forget about in my everyday world, making it easier to embrace the idea of perfect health. Laughter, Music, and the Goodness of Love, both from fellow human beings and animal companions, all serve as a gentle nudge towards the path of acceptance.  

     Since I was young, my dream was to be a Healer. Recently discovering, I am one already.  Manifesting through words, the path of my choices, or the hugs I give to loved ones, hopefully making a positive difference near and far. I know I am blessed by the good deeds, thoughts and prayers of those around me. All these things contribute to my well-being, and I am thankful for my Beautiful Connections.   

This year, I commit to expand my knowledge and search within to understand more about this hidden treasure I feel rising to the surface of my soul. My heart and eyes are open, I am paying attention. For this moment in time, I am eternally grateful to awaken to the awe inspiring gift I have come to realize has been mine... 

and yours... all along.

May we use it Wisely and Often.

In Peace, 

Raven  

I Have a Healthy Spirit, Mind and Body

     Being physically healthy is one of my main personal goals in life.  As much as I would like to be in total control, I am unable.  I try not to live in fear, constantly worrying about the outcome of every test given.  Because of technology today we are able to monitor our bodies in a way both amazing and fearsome.  I have experienced many losses in my family from cancer, watching the sadness and tragedy, overwhelming in its intensity, as it takes over all.  Seeing a family break open as they lose their mother, my aunt, to breast cancer..and then years after, 2 of her daughters, my cousins, tragically from another type of cancer.  Watching from the outer circle, unable to make sense of the utter destruction and loss to all of us.  

     Now here I am....trying not to react as my body is searched by machines, looking for something not belonging, invading my system like an alien life form.  Preventative care, is a smart thing to do.  Many issues can be taken care of if caught in time, medical science proves itself again and again by early detection.  

     Some people deal with this fear by not going for physical exams, yet the underlying worry follows them into the quiet hours of night.  I choose to go.  Knowing I do not do well with the background of anxiety looming over my shoulder.
I also believe how we Think and what we Trust In, has a huge affect on our bodies.  Filling myself with positive affirmations, monitoring my conscious thoughts to create good feelings, helps me greatly.  I am late this year for my mammogram, in fact I just cancelled my appointment today due to the snowstorm we are having.  I have to internally relax as I have prolonged my wondering.  Last year they found a cyst, after a somewhat simple yet terrifying procedure it was removed and later proved to be nothing serious.  The fear from this time lingers on, causing me excessive worry for my next exam, hence my procrastination.  

     I am a healthy woman, my mother has asked me why I feel so vulnerable within myself.  Maybe its because of what I have seen, or because I have my babies who rely on me.  I am not sure, but I wish I could let it go.  I remember going to visit my aunt and her 5 children one day.  She was very ill from the breast cancer.  I remember the deep sadness in our car from my mother and Nana (grandmother) on the way up.  We were all so young and didn't understand.  I don't remember much of the visit, but I do see a picture in my head as we left.  My aunt sitting quietly in a chair as all her children were gathered around, each touching her, standing as close as they could.  To this day, I cry when I think about this moment in time.  I know I carry this sadness inside.

     I have read how our experiences and feelings live nestled in the tissues of our body.  There are Ceremonies, Ways, Purifications one can do to release them out into the Universe.  Swimming in the river, walking in the woods, Native Healing Traditions, all have contributed to my quest for inner peace.  Our world is filled with frightening "what ifs", and realities.  Its hard to not get caught up in the scariness of it all.  I greatly admire those people who are able to truly stay in the moment, immune to these wasted feelings.  

     For myself I do what I can.  Eating healthy organic foods, exercising, breathing wholeheartedly the beauty and goodness of life.  My spiritual beliefs are what I rely on, praying and believing in the many Blessings my world is filled with.  Writing for me has become a way of dealing with my emotions.  For this reason I have written on this particular subject.
Another way for me to face my worry.
 Another way for me to rise above it.
Now its time to for me to do my morning Sun Salutations, light a candle, burn some sage and
Thank the Great Spirit for all the Love in my Life. 

 I am healthy today and I expect to be healthy tomorrow.  

Thank you my friends for your emotional support by reading my public journal.  

May it Help and Inspire you.  

I wish Blessing upon you All.  

In peace, Raven

In My Monastery

     I need to relax more, I tell myself this all the time. Hang loose, take it easy, chill out....calm down. As a Californian, I am familiar with all the expressions. How does one maintain peaceful serenity in the midst of an emotional world. Good health begins in the mind. I know it would positively influence every living cell in my body.
 To be grounded, to be balanced.
I want it now.
I wish to join a faraway monastery somewhere deep in the mountains of the Himalayas, where I could happily thrive in utmost tranquility. Perhaps after years of contemplation, staring into shimmering sparkles of sunlight touching the clouds of my inner sky, I would be the zen master of my soul.
My ultimate goal is to be so free. Quietly relaxed, having no worries or uncertainty. Trusting ALL is as it should be. Through the years I have tried different ways to get to this place of Nirvana. Without being specific, some methods require a partner or a bottle, while others may not be totally legal (objectively speaking of course). I don't necessarily need to be in a trance, but that can be fun too depending on my choice of travel.
What I desire most is the ability to get there by myself...no help or outside influences, nothing but my incredible super power to remain still and untroubled....
Wherever life takes me. 

    My entire existence has been in search of this Holy Grail, from early childhood until today. I was hoping to have perfected my skills by now. As a writer and teacher of healthy emotional living, it's no surprise I struggle with this issue. Why else would I find it so important.
"Confusion has it's costs."

    There have been many times I entered this place of ancient trust. It's a sweet feeling to dwell in restful sanctuary. Often I arrive by sheer will, which tends to cancel out some of the resulting benefits. Other times I find myself magically seated within halls of serenity. Without having to expend any energy at all, I am.

     My children ask what power I would choose if I were to suddenly find myself a superhero.  Although I would love to fly, or shape shift into any animal, if I could have the gift of absolute quietude, this would be my choice. What's the use of being able to transform into an anxious timber wolf, or a sexy stressed out flying woman in a cape. Having the might to remain collected in the face of heartache, zero checking account, or big issues, like charging Rhino
men from outer space, would be a great shield in times of trouble.  

   Every day I am faced with the decision to accept or fight. Counting blessings, smiling in my heart, being in the now, these are my super powers. I have more strength to create beauty in my world than I realize. We all do.
I am trying to better myself as a woman of enlightenment. For my own sanity and for the sake of humanity, it needs to happen soon. Being a protector is really needed here on Mother Earth. Given the opportunity I would be a Zen Superhero Wolf Woman, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, spreading calm and serenity wherever I go.
....Possibly even convincing the Rhino men its time to join their own monastery.
~In Almost Peace,
Raven 

  

Land of Dreams

     I like dreaming.  I have always been a lucid, colorful dreamer.  Visions of my inner soul dancing to the sounds of my true desires, moving to the music of my subconscious mind, mysteriously confusing and sometimes quickly gone.   Hidden in the sometimes craziness of my sleeping moments are nuggets of treasures and wisdom I try to hold on to when I awaken.  Somewhere in between fast running tortoises, and walking down familiar streets from years long past, is a message I try to hear, to understand what is being shown to me.  What may be important are the scenes in between the craziness, the words softly spoken from my inner self to my outside self, whispered to me by friendly spirits, ancient beings or traveling friends.
    Always I try to listen.  I see myself flying in the night sky, feel the wind in my hair, the world beneath me as I swiftly soar through a cityscape, brightly lit from below, over mountains and forests covered in moonlight.  My heart free and happy.  A lesson to be learned, a moment of joy to be had, either way I have been blessed.
     Sometimes the darkness follows me, either I fail to get away, bound by the limits of my dream trapped body and mind, or freed by magical strength and power, allowing me to overcome the chains I sometimes feel holding me back in the land of wakefulness.
   Dreaming is a moving force, unique to every individual, a connection to the deeper profound mystery from which we are born.  Pay attention, Listen, Feel, Touch the essence of all that Is.   Remember the secrets, ask for answers unclear in the light of reality, allow yourself to dance amongst the sacred.  To dream is to live outside of what we think we know, exploring what lies beneath the familiar streets of our soul.
Walking in the land of my Visions reminds me I am so much more then my physical self,
 taking me through my journeys by day, traveling with me as I fly by night,
streaming high through the starlit sky,
 gliding gracefully, effortlessly
 on my Raven wings.