I Have a Healthy Spirit, Mind and Body

     Being physically healthy is one of my main personal goals in life.  As much as I would like to be in total control, I am unable.  I try not to live in fear, constantly worrying about the outcome of every test given.  Because of technology today we are able to monitor our bodies in a way both amazing and fearsome.  I have experienced many losses in my family from cancer, watching the sadness and tragedy, overwhelming in its intensity, as it takes over all.  Seeing a family break open as they lose their mother, my aunt, to breast cancer..and then years after, 2 of her daughters, my cousins, tragically from another type of cancer.  Watching from the outer circle, unable to make sense of the utter destruction and loss to all of us.  

     Now here I am....trying not to react as my body is searched by machines, looking for something not belonging, invading my system like an alien life form.  Preventative care, is a smart thing to do.  Many issues can be taken care of if caught in time, medical science proves itself again and again by early detection.  

     Some people deal with this fear by not going for physical exams, yet the underlying worry follows them into the quiet hours of night.  I choose to go.  Knowing I do not do well with the background of anxiety looming over my shoulder.
I also believe how we Think and what we Trust In, has a huge affect on our bodies.  Filling myself with positive affirmations, monitoring my conscious thoughts to create good feelings, helps me greatly.  I am late this year for my mammogram, in fact I just cancelled my appointment today due to the snowstorm we are having.  I have to internally relax as I have prolonged my wondering.  Last year they found a cyst, after a somewhat simple yet terrifying procedure it was removed and later proved to be nothing serious.  The fear from this time lingers on, causing me excessive worry for my next exam, hence my procrastination.  

     I am a healthy woman, my mother has asked me why I feel so vulnerable within myself.  Maybe its because of what I have seen, or because I have my babies who rely on me.  I am not sure, but I wish I could let it go.  I remember going to visit my aunt and her 5 children one day.  She was very ill from the breast cancer.  I remember the deep sadness in our car from my mother and Nana (grandmother) on the way up.  We were all so young and didn't understand.  I don't remember much of the visit, but I do see a picture in my head as we left.  My aunt sitting quietly in a chair as all her children were gathered around, each touching her, standing as close as they could.  To this day, I cry when I think about this moment in time.  I know I carry this sadness inside.

     I have read how our experiences and feelings live nestled in the tissues of our body.  There are Ceremonies, Ways, Purifications one can do to release them out into the Universe.  Swimming in the river, walking in the woods, Native Healing Traditions, all have contributed to my quest for inner peace.  Our world is filled with frightening "what ifs", and realities.  Its hard to not get caught up in the scariness of it all.  I greatly admire those people who are able to truly stay in the moment, immune to these wasted feelings.  

     For myself I do what I can.  Eating healthy organic foods, exercising, breathing wholeheartedly the beauty and goodness of life.  My spiritual beliefs are what I rely on, praying and believing in the many Blessings my world is filled with.  Writing for me has become a way of dealing with my emotions.  For this reason I have written on this particular subject.
Another way for me to face my worry.
 Another way for me to rise above it.
Now its time to for me to do my morning Sun Salutations, light a candle, burn some sage and
Thank the Great Spirit for all the Love in my Life. 

 I am healthy today and I expect to be healthy tomorrow.  

Thank you my friends for your emotional support by reading my public journal.  

May it Help and Inspire you.  

I wish Blessing upon you All.  

In peace, Raven

In My Monastery

     I need to relax more, I tell myself this all the time. Hang loose, take it easy, chill out....calm down. As a Californian, I am familiar with all the expressions. How does one maintain peaceful serenity in the midst of an emotional world. Good health begins in the mind. I know it would positively influence every living cell in my body.
 To be grounded, to be balanced.
I want it now.
I wish to join a faraway monastery somewhere deep in the mountains of the Himalayas, where I could happily thrive in utmost tranquility. Perhaps after years of contemplation, staring into shimmering sparkles of sunlight touching the clouds of my inner sky, I would be the zen master of my soul.
My ultimate goal is to be so free. Quietly relaxed, having no worries or uncertainty. Trusting ALL is as it should be. Through the years I have tried different ways to get to this place of Nirvana. Without being specific, some methods require a partner or a bottle, while others may not be totally legal (objectively speaking of course). I don't necessarily need to be in a trance, but that can be fun too depending on my choice of travel.
What I desire most is the ability to get there by myself...no help or outside influences, nothing but my incredible super power to remain still and untroubled....
Wherever life takes me. 

    My entire existence has been in search of this Holy Grail, from early childhood until today. I was hoping to have perfected my skills by now. As a writer and teacher of healthy emotional living, it's no surprise I struggle with this issue. Why else would I find it so important.
"Confusion has it's costs."

    There have been many times I entered this place of ancient trust. It's a sweet feeling to dwell in restful sanctuary. Often I arrive by sheer will, which tends to cancel out some of the resulting benefits. Other times I find myself magically seated within halls of serenity. Without having to expend any energy at all, I am.

     My children ask what power I would choose if I were to suddenly find myself a superhero.  Although I would love to fly, or shape shift into any animal, if I could have the gift of absolute quietude, this would be my choice. What's the use of being able to transform into an anxious timber wolf, or a sexy stressed out flying woman in a cape. Having the might to remain collected in the face of heartache, zero checking account, or big issues, like charging Rhino
men from outer space, would be a great shield in times of trouble.  

   Every day I am faced with the decision to accept or fight. Counting blessings, smiling in my heart, being in the now, these are my super powers. I have more strength to create beauty in my world than I realize. We all do.
I am trying to better myself as a woman of enlightenment. For my own sanity and for the sake of humanity, it needs to happen soon. Being a protector is really needed here on Mother Earth. Given the opportunity I would be a Zen Superhero Wolf Woman, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, spreading calm and serenity wherever I go.
....Possibly even convincing the Rhino men its time to join their own monastery.
~In Almost Peace,
Raven 

  

Land of Dreams

     I like dreaming.  I have always been a lucid, colorful dreamer.  Visions of my inner soul dancing to the sounds of my true desires, moving to the music of my subconscious mind, mysteriously confusing and sometimes quickly gone.   Hidden in the sometimes craziness of my sleeping moments are nuggets of treasures and wisdom I try to hold on to when I awaken.  Somewhere in between fast running tortoises, and walking down familiar streets from years long past, is a message I try to hear, to understand what is being shown to me.  What may be important are the scenes in between the craziness, the words softly spoken from my inner self to my outside self, whispered to me by friendly spirits, ancient beings or traveling friends.
    Always I try to listen.  I see myself flying in the night sky, feel the wind in my hair, the world beneath me as I swiftly soar through a cityscape, brightly lit from below, over mountains and forests covered in moonlight.  My heart free and happy.  A lesson to be learned, a moment of joy to be had, either way I have been blessed.
     Sometimes the darkness follows me, either I fail to get away, bound by the limits of my dream trapped body and mind, or freed by magical strength and power, allowing me to overcome the chains I sometimes feel holding me back in the land of wakefulness.
   Dreaming is a moving force, unique to every individual, a connection to the deeper profound mystery from which we are born.  Pay attention, Listen, Feel, Touch the essence of all that Is.   Remember the secrets, ask for answers unclear in the light of reality, allow yourself to dance amongst the sacred.  To dream is to live outside of what we think we know, exploring what lies beneath the familiar streets of our soul.
Walking in the land of my Visions reminds me I am so much more then my physical self,
 taking me through my journeys by day, traveling with me as I fly by night,
streaming high through the starlit sky,
 gliding gracefully, effortlessly
 on my Raven wings.

No Place Like Home

     I look around my home and I am surrounded by stuff.  Too much I think.  How did I get to this point where I feel lost amongst my possessions.  I am no stranger to organizing and simplifying, at one time I did this for a living.  Its a personal gift of mine, I can walk into any given chaos and bring serenity to every room.  Living here in my lovely little house with 3 children, you would think I would have it all in control.  I do, sort of.  

     Many of the things we have too much of are toys with sentimental value.  My children hold on, fearing by letting go, they are giving up a part of themselves.  We are all this way to some extent, even myself.  I wonder why we attach so much importance to our things, when our memories live in our hearts and spirits, and not so much in the closets.  

     I sometimes play a game in my mind.  Imagine if we were under alert, and had to leave our homes in one hour or less, besides my children what would I take.  I remember as a little girl in California, fearing a sudden earthquake, packing my little red suitcase with my favorite dolls, and play things.  In moments of survival one realizes what is truly important.  Depending on the situation, I might have to choose a flashlight verses my bells from Tibet, or a jug of water over my favorite lithograph.  The worse feeling is when you let something go, and it almost feels like you're missing a close friend.   

     Consider  how devastating for the unfortunate people who lose everything in a natural disaster.  I have known a few.  Of course the loss of human life is a tragedy, and not even comparable.  What about your photos and historical mementos passed on through generations of family.
Some things are truly precious and irreplaceable.  

     I have always believed how you live in your home is a direct reflection of your state of mind,  contributing to your emotional health.  No wonder I have been feeling overwhelmed, crowded in, and slightly dusty.  Think about the amount of time and energy we spend, moving, cleaning, digging thru, bumping into, picking up, fixing....not even counting the using....of all our belongings.  Do we truly
 need to live this way, I don't think so.  

    I have known people who are minimalists, which for me would be the exact opposite of my decorating style.  Like the birds of the forest, I enjoy feathering my nest.  Being cozy, with a few or possibly too many added luxuries, is what brings me comfort.  Pillows, candles, blankets, and more of the same, helps me to be serene in the chaos of my mind.  Everyone has their own personal style and functional needs when it comes to living comfortably in their homes.  Whether we live in a cabin, a castle, a mansion or cave, being able to rejuvenate ourselves is a necessity we all can afford.  Turning our shelters into a sanctuary from the outside world, by letting go of the clutter and over abundance surrounding us, will make for a healthier life.  I for one am ready to begin the long and emotional process of reevaluating all the belongings which encircles my family and defines our days.  Releasing what no longer brings us comfort or joy is a gift for all, not only serving us well in our homes, but in the turmoil and messiness which can be part of our world.   A fresh beginning, I have learned, can be had at any time.  Starting within the mental jumble of my mind, I can sort and tidy up, creating a calm interior.  Moving outwardly I can apply the same concept, bringing much needed space and serenity into our living area, and then out into the world which we all share.
"Clean up your Room", can be a new motto for recycling and picking up litter on our planet.
Learning from the birds, I will continue to feather my nest, keeping it comfortable and full of warmth,  maybe with fewer decorations and keepsakes.  The less minutes we spend on our personal effects, will allow us the more hours needed to create beautiful memories, which unlike our treasured objects, do last forever, and can be taken with us.

Just Another Day

Living in Gratitude can be a form of prayer. There are countless moments to be grateful for, even when sometimes it feels otherwise. Mainly, I am thankful for the good health of my children, loved ones and myself. The ultimate starting point. After this I move down the list, beginning with the basics.

Shelter, warmth, good food, a working vehicle, financial security, and my nifty cell phone. All these needs seem crucial to survival as I know it here on modern earth, and not to be taken lightly.  

Next on my list are the essential pleasures, and certainly not in order of appearance. Fancy powwows, breezy days, romantic nights, organic honey, good friends, eating chocolate in bed, and being barefoot in the sun. Those are just a few of my top favorites. I will leave the rest up to your own imaginations.

Lastly I come to the little things in life that one may not always be aware of as blessings. Special treasures, like whipped cream on hot chocolate, birds singing outside my window, missing a traffic jam, or knowing the last place I saw my keys. All these different elements mix together into a delightful blend, creating a joyful balance to my everyday life.

I make a sincere effort to be conscious, mindful of these gifts, yet I am not always successful.    

They...The People of Knowledge and Wisdom...say you can only maintain one feeling at a time. Either you can choose to focus on gratitude for what is, 

or concentrate on being miserable for what isn't.

Not many of us have the emotional presence to regulate where our happiness meter is at any given time, certainly not myself. Living between the lines of survival and abundance preoccupies my thoughts, making it easy to get lost in the hills and valleys of my journey. Because of this, I am not always aware of my inner world. It's not until I startle awake as if from a muddled dream do I even begin to recognize the divinity of my days.

An American holiday is soon to be upon us. A tradition...for some...of mindful celebration.

Maybe not for the historical myths on which it is based, then certainly for the wealth of spirit it can create. To be at Peace is to recognize the sacred that lies underneath. Moved by outside influences, we either acknowledge this essential connection, or burrow deep, hiding further from a truth we refuse to believe. 

Thanksgiving is just another day.
It's up to us to make it something Beautiful.
 May you Walk in Prayer 

~Raven      

     

   

         

When I Grow Up

    A beautiful evening.  Looks and feels to be almost a full moon.  When I lived in Mission Beach, California these were the nights my friends and I would be out restlessly prowling the boardwalk, sitting around a bonfire, swimming in the crashing waves, and most likely getting ourselves into some kind of adventurous trouble.  

     More than twenty years later I look back, almost a lifetime ago, and wonder at the strangeness of it all.  How funny to think I believed I would be a changed person when I was all grown up.  As a young adult looking forward in time I would try to imagine how I would be when I was older.  I wasn't even close.  The vision I conjured up bore not the slightest resemblance to the woman I am today. Expecting to be different, only to discover myself unrecognizable, because I am the same.
 I haven't changed at all.  

     Of course my life has altered in many obvious ways.  Outwardly a lot has transformed, and not just my physical appearance.  My responsibilities, choices, and attitudes have all undergone a major shift.   In many ways its true, I have been remade.  Life has a way of reshaping and molding us, smoothing out the rough edges, wearing us thin in a few places, hardening and increasing our strength where needed.  Fired in the kiln of our life experiences, our colors burnished to reveal the hidden depths and intensities within, vibrant and individually unique.   How far away under my skin lies the girl I used to be.  Truthfully a lot closer then I once believed.   I'm still me, just more.  More confident, wiser, calmer, smarter, happier, more alive.
   I often marvel at how I continue to face issues I thought to have overcome by now.  Who would have known my perceived weaknesses would follow me thru life, taking me from one story to the next, fine tuning me in ways I assumed were no longer needed.   Thinking I would have graduated to another level, I find myself reliving more of my past lessons.  Sometimes appearing to be new, only to realize I have faced something similar when I was in first grade, highschool, my marriage, or just last week.  Each time, redefining and shaping who I was minutes before, not so much altering but evolving my inner being.
  I have learned, in living we don't become someone entirely different, separated from all that is familiar.  In the big picture of Life, we are all connected, so why would it be any different within ourselves.  I believe the same young girl, teenager, woman stare back at me as I face myself in the mirror each day, and thankfully will continue to do so as the years pass by.  As we travel on this wonderful journey, we take along with us the whole of who we are now, our yesterdays, our tomorrows, along with the secrets of our first beginnings.  In my entirety, I am complete.
Who I will be as an elder woman, will be exactly who I am now,
only more.  

A Lesson On Cool

     Whassup Everybody?  Its way too early for me to be awake.  I could go days without wanting to write, and all of a sudden something pops into my head, and until I work it out I am no good to anybody.  It's around 4 in the morning and here I am.  As one of my favorite TV characters, Detective Monk says,
"It's a gift....and a curse."  

     I have made a couple of new friends in the past several months and find myself starting to talk like them by borrowing a few of their expressions.  I like to think of myself as a cool person, but lately I have noticed I'm a little behind the times when it comes to my speech.  I know a lot of the new lingo, or at least I think I do, but am sometimes unsure just how or when to use it.  For a long while I thought to "hook up" meant to get together casually for maybe some coffee or something, not until I received a strange look after suggesting to my boss he should hook up with a client did I understand the real meaning of what that "something" stood for. 

     Back in the day I was not really hip at all to the slang used amongst my peers, probably why I wasn't one of the chosen ones. I think some of the sayings I now think are cool have played out, although in my defense, slang is not known for standing the test of time.  I believe this to be intrinsic in maintaining its power of weeding out those who don't belong, constantly renewing itself, preventing any pretenders from infiltrating.  Being in the know is not easy.  Maybe I should include this subject as part of our homeschooling curriculum so my kids can get down with it, and  hang with the best of them.  Although come to think of it, I do believe my older son was keeping it real the other day, and told me to chillax when I was having a moment.

     Different words follow different cultures, I think a lot of slang people use today belongs to the hip hop world, making for a decidedly colorful vibe.  The problem is unless it comes naturally, you sound like a wannabe, which is far worse then messing up a few phrases here and there.   Being cool comes from within, almost like you have to absorb things as you go along until they become part of you, and later flows out your mouth at the right time.  I have a few processing issues. so this is not always easy for me, somewhere along the way I confuse the meaning and forget how to talk.  My ability to laugh at myself has helped me out of a few awkward moments.  Thank goodness my charm comes naturally, otherwise there's a good chance I might  be dissed, and people may not consider me to be so groovy.  

A common verbal trend I also obsessively notice, are called fillers.  These are often used seemingly without too much thought, an 'on the side dish' to your conversation.  If you pay attention, as I do, you will become aware of the different cycles of these sayings.  Some of the past ones have been, "Know what I mean"...."Actually"......."And Stuff."  Right now, the one spreading like wild fire, is the phrase..."And what Not."  Its amazing how often it is used, and not just once either, but frequently peppered throughout a conversation.  Try for yourself if you like, once heard, you will be surprised how many people have embraced its usage.  I apologize in advance to any of my friends who enjoy this saying, and wasn't aware I was counting. 

     Maybe this is why I have become a writer.  Words have power I believe, and adding some spicy slang to your way of expression could possibly help in your quest to be one of the chosen hip, keeping you fashionable and in the mainstream.  You know you can't help but smile when you and your Vibe are One, making everything you say unique to your own fresh style.  The art of communication is key to the quality of our relationships.  Why not have fun and share a little of your funky self at the same time.  Next time you're hooking up for coffee or hangin with your hommyz, I wish you a smooth and easy flow, and if you get things wrong like I sometimes do, just Chill, it's All Good.

Okay Peeps, Holla when you can, Gotta Bounce, 

Peace Out!

Head out on the Highway

     I am amazed at the sudden turns and different directions our lives can take.  Some made deliberately, giving us a feeling of control and power over our destiny.  Others appear as a surprise, an unexpected stick in the road, causing us to stumble, forcing us to abandon or change our destination.
 Back in May 2010, I started getting strange unsettling symptoms.  Disorientation, headaches, fatigue, ringing in my ears, pins and needles in my extremities, sensitivity to sound, movements and lights, dizziness, and the worse, not being able to concentrate.  After several terrifying months, an expensive MRI, and numerous frustrating visits to physicians, nothing was clear.  Everything looked fine, but I definitely was not.   I have always been a vibrant, healthy, high energy person, able to multi-task at super speeds and dance circles around most people.  (A little powwow humor!)  Suddenly my whole world was thrown out of whack, and I was being tested for MS, Lyme's Disease and Brain Tumors.  Thank goodness everything came back normal.  The more stressed I became, the worse I felt.  Finally I walked away from the medical establishment, calmed myself, and began my own research.  

    The result is I have a form of migraines, some days worse, or better, than others.  I have learned to keep them semi quiet by following a new way of living.  Getting enough sleep, avoiding a long list of food and drinks known to be triggers, and detecting all hidden varieties of MSG, found in many foods, even those claiming to be all natural.  Exercise, relaxation and managing stress are important to how good I feel.  Any anxiety dramatically increases the severity of my symptoms.  My life has totally changed as a result of these issues.  Its hard not to be frustrated with myself for being so "weak" as to have this condition.  I feel flawed and somewhat let down by my inability to not WILL myself back into normalcy.  I am a single mother with 3 children and a very full life.
I do not welcome these circumstances.  

     Its been 5 long months since I began this journey of enlightenment.  I have a new awareness. Paying close attention to my Inner Universe, before trying to handle my outside one is my main priority.
"A Look in, before I Leap out," kind of philosophy has been created.
 I have become a specialist in leisure, taking more time to enjoy quiet and solitude.  I let go of 20 lbs due to my improved diet, and no longer surviving like a camel in the desert, I am drinking enough water to stay hydrated.  Although I never considered myself an overachiever, I can't deny my life can sometimes be filled with a long list of endeavors and responsibilities.   My new approach has helped me to slow down and regulate how I spend my energy, leaving more opportunities for enjoying the pleasures of life.

     Learning the intuitive skill of listening to my body by honoring what it is asking has been the greatest value.  With my new alarm system of increased physical warnings, I am made quickly aware when I have strayed from the path of~
Peace, Serenity and 8 hours of Restful Slumber.

     I choose to see it this way.
 I am forever grateful for the glorious fact of not having any serious conditions. Somewhere along the trail, I wandered off and made a couple of lefts when I might have gone right.  Quite possibly the road I had been cruising on, was not going to bring me to the destination of emotional and physical health I had been hoping for.  I feel blessed with a second chance to make positive changes necessary for my long-lived future.  Living at my physical best is a gift to myself, my children and those who care about me. Instead of the rapid pace of the highway, I am now cruising on the more relaxed and beautiful scenic route, drinking 8 glasses of water, and munching organic carrots as I travel.  Like any good road trip its the journey where the fun lies, not so much the destination.
 Back in the early 1980's, Ringo Starr, the famous drummer for the Beatles, released the album, "Stop and Smell the Roses," reminding us of an old adage we all could benefit from.  Spending extra time in nature to play in rivers and allow myself a cozy nap nestled in a bed of fragrant pine needles can only enhance my journey.
My passion for writing, along with other positive changes, have all come about from this new direction.  I have discovered I don't have to control everything to make room for unexpected adventures.  Keeping my eyes glued to the ground looking for debris might be safer, but allowing myself to contemplate the height of the tallest trees now and then, will greatly expand my vision.
Like Bilbo Baggins, I am ready and willing to start my quest.
  The truth is, not always knowing where I am, does not mean I am off-track.  Confirming to myself a little wisdom I once heard from one of my favorite storytellers,  J. R.R. Tolkien....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"All Who Wander are not Lost"
“All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king

Let's Talk About the Weather

I started writing almost because I had to.  You know how life is, one minute you are going on your merry way and the next you are inspired to make a quick turn down some unfamiliar rocky path.  I had no intention of starting a blog, or even more crazy, sharing myself so openly for all to see.  However, my words sort of took on a life of their own.  In person, if I know someone long enough...say a couple of minutes or so... I would be discussing these things outloud, as part of my regular conversation, just without my handy thesaurus by my side.  I really dislike small talk, I like to go directly to what I think are the real subjects in life.  Love, Sadness, Despair, Hope, Healing and of course let's not forget Beauty.  My children have learned to take me in stride, as have a few of my close friends.  Its been less then 3 months since I began my life of sharing and confessions, and usually I get a nice response..or no response at all in regards to my words.  Luckily I miss out on those uncommon few, who may be rolling their eyes at my renderings.  Recently however, I have received different feedback from some very close friends, and others not so close.  A fellow writer/mentor friend of mine, had already cautioned me to have a thick skin for he could see this coming.  How I could write from my heart and concern myself with other's opinions I couldn't understand.  Now, here I am feeling a little thin-skinned, slightly defensive, and kind of misunderstood.  My pride has been wounded, and I am left wondering if perhaps I should take up knitting instead.  Of course there is danger in that too, as I could possibly poke my eye out or something, or even worse, what if I choose the wrong color or type of yarn.  Maybe I could be less dramatic and write about the mundane things in life like sex, or the weather.  I am thinking of writing a disclaimer at the end of each writing stating, "I am a healthy, well-balanced, happy, joyful, content woman, who enjoys and expects her life to be filled with goodness and serenity, although my reflections may appear otherwise."   I would also like to protest, I mean add, I try to write about what I think are Universal issues that affect everybody, just in different ways.  Being a woman I can only write from a female point of view, so sorry, this part can't be helped.  I recognize everybody has their own place of reference, we are all unique in how we think, act and believe.  My opinions are just that, and don't have to be accepted or even understood the way I meant them to be.  I have also come to know my words might sometimes be taken out of context, or possibly rewritten and rearranged by what the reader has going on in their own personal life, or  past experiences.  Just like I discovered I am not responsible for another person's happiness, I will have to recognize that once written, I cannot control a person's interpretation of what I choose to express, even if their opinion really matters, and I hope differently.  I might decide I need to take a break from serious issues for awhile, but I doubt I will be able to resist for very long.  I must follow the strings of my California Gypsy Beach Girl heart.  Hopefully you, my friendly readers, can just sit back and enjoy the ride for what it is.  Maybe later we can talk about your sex life, but for now....its about 50 degrees, with mostly cloudy skies, and slightly windy!

Lean on Me

     Having someone to count on would be a nice addition to my life.  Yes I am talking about a relationship, but also something more.  To be honest it would be an easy thing for me to date, have a boyfriend....be involved.  The counting on part seems to be a whole different matter.  The Rolling Stones said it so well., "We all need someone to Lean on."  This someone is greatly missing in my life. Sure, I have family to call for emotional support, along with a handful of very close comrades who are always there to lend an ear when needed.  Believe me, I don't take this for granted.   I also have a small group of friends I could call to physically help if asked, or come running to save me if I were to light the signal fires.  Several years ago, I did not have this supporting force behind me, so once again I am incredibly grateful for their friendships.

     I have always prided myself on not being a needy woman.  To me, this would be my downfall, a way to lose myself.  I do not need a man in my life to make me feel loved, stronger, more capable or not alone.  I can take care of myself in that way.  What I would like is a companion to my world, a partner to not only physically share the burden of planting and weeding from the garden of my days, but someone who will also enjoy the bountiful fruits of our labor, maybe even chase a few deer out now and then.  I have never had this in my life.  I wonder if its something within me that prevents a relationship like this from coming about.   Please understand I am not feeling sorry for myself, I love my life and take great pleasure in all I am blessed with.  My children and I are very close, my dear companions and soul mates, and when necessary we are able to forge raging rivers and move small mountains.  Somehow day by day, year by year we manage to make it all come together. I have a network of people and community who care about me, I am not living in isolation.  I know I may sound like a three year old, but really,  "I can do it by myself."   

    These times when I feel like this usually happen late at night, or between the small hours in the morning.  Perhaps its when everybody is deeply asleep, somehow my subconscious mind feels free to explore the depths of my heart, knowing I will not be interrupted.  Christmas is coming, I have been laid off for awhile now, the ton of pellets in my shed needs to be moved to my basement, another cord of wood has to be ordered and stacked, windows covered, kindling found, leaves raked and I could definitely use a hug.  How I am going to take care of this I don't know.  Sounds more like I need a friendly landscaper/repair man then a relationship.  Its not so much the labor I need help with, although this would be nice, I just want to lean on a person I can count on, in every way.  Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually.  All the makings of a fairytale.  There have been several candidates for this position, and many applications submitted.  My heart and intuition choose otherwise, and so far this opportunity remains open.  Its early morning, and I think I will go back to sleep.  Today is my daughter's birthday and soon the house will be filled with the sounds of laughter and hungry children.  I will forget I even wrote this, let alone posted for all to see.  You may wonder why I share these feelings with others, I often do myself.   Ultimately I feel stronger by revealing what I think are my weaknesses, almost like I dare myself to be vulnerable before witnesses.  Confessions, I have learned, can sometimes be good for my soul.  Things which seem so big and formidable in the wee hours of the night are much smaller in the light of day.  The work will get done, my finances back together, and I am sure if I looked hard enough, I can find a hug somewhere.    

Yes, The River Knows

     I question everything, yet often choose to go with the flow.  How these two abilities live together is a mystery to me.  You would think one would cancel the other, but no...in cooperation they coexist, each demanding to be heard, forcing me down one path, then up and over another.  Nothing is safe near me, my mind immediately grabs a hold of a subject and quickly tears it apart.  Most of the time I'm unaware of the process, one minute I could be calmly listening, and then suddenly I feel the need arise to offer my complete unsolicited analysis.  I don't mean in an scientific intellectual way either, more like an emotional, spiritual examination.   I see life by the impression of feelings behind everything. I am not saying I am consistently right, although facts or no facts, I find myself getting to the heart of the matter rather quickly.  Living by analyzing feelings, and the "deeper meaning" behind all can be a very tiresome way of thinking.  Why I can't relax and just accept situations for what they are, I don't know.  In all fairness, depending on who you ask, I try not to push my conclusions onto everybody, well at least not always.  Thankfully, my writing is a softer way for me to express the world I live in.  Most of the time its not so much the answer I have figured out, more like I can see the journey which one is taking.  

     Probably my "go with the flow" attitude is less of an ability, and more of a survival mechanism.  Being able to allow myself to flow is more then likely a direct result of my over thinking.  Eventually, everything and everybody reaches its breaking point, like an torrential flood, some things cannot be contained.   Feelings are not always reliable, and can be a tumultuous place to dwell, knowing the deeper meaning can only take you so far.  Once I reach a certain place, its time to make a choice.  I can either keep thinking until I totally exhaust myself into action, or I can climb calmly into my boat, untie the rope connected to the dock of my mind, lay back, and gently float downstream.   Relief, pure and effortless, frees me completely from my excessive pondering.  The art of riding the current is easy once you've taken a few trips.  Knowing how long to wander and when to pull over is a matter between you and the river you're riding on.  Drifting aimlessly can only take you so far, once you've reached the place of large rocks and waterfalls, its time to head for dry land.  Unless of course you have an adventurous spirit, then you may want to ride a few waves before finding harbor.  The excitement of taking this watery journey is all in the trusting.  Some of you may think and act as if we are the only moving force behind our earth bound presence.  For myself this is not enough, I believe our lives rest gently in the hands of our Creator, and I gladly release my control...at least for awhile. The power of our mind is an amazing gift, I enjoy exploring my world through my thoughts.  Too much talking however is never a good thing, even if its all internal.  Laying there in my boat, I am finally quiet enough to hear the words of my soul.  Listening to what I already know, I am able to be moved, not just by how I feel, or my perceived deeper meaning,  but by something even more profound and unfathomable.  The river is wide and endless, and though from above I must look like nothing more then a tiny speck, from in my boat I can see the wholeness of the Universe.

Is There a Reason?

"People come into your Life for a Season, a Reason or a Lifetime"
 I heard this quote recently and I keep repeating it over and over in my head.  I find myself reviewing the different people who are currently in my life, trying to categorize them into one of these options.  I wonder if its possible to figure out 'who's Who' now, or if I have to wait until my last days to see the end results.  Perhaps in my later years I will be able to recognize the Lifetime people as those familiar ones who have kicked around the longest.

 Unless, like many things in life, not all is easily clear.  Some relationships can be hard to label.  Perhaps I will discover some of the Life~Timers are really lingering Season~Reason people in disguise, who unknowingly, been secretly planning their escape all along.  Can one really be able to recognize the slight differences between the three?  How long is a season anyways...and does a reason have to be life-changing obvious, or will any small transformation count?  Even more confusing, can they be combined?  What about the people who seem to hit our lives hard and fast, and then disappear off into the sunset.  Obviously ruling out the Lifetime option, leaving us with the question of whether it was a very short Season encounter, or maybe a very fast Reason Agent on a mission so minuscule you hardly noticed what you were supposed to be getting from their comings and goings.   This saying, as you can see, really bothers me.  I find myself suspiciously scrutinizing everybody with narrowed eyes, pondering just how much of myself should I be investing.  I mean if you are a Reason person, then please accomplish your destiny and leave already.  My life is very busy and I would much rather get this assignment over with and hang out with the more enduring Season, Life~Time friends.   No offense, but I somehow think these are the people who can cause huge holes to suddenly appear, where before there was just blank canvas.  Certainly Reason people are valuable, apparently here to gently nudge, shove, encourage or slam dunk us into some sort of epiphany or much needed action.  I imagined Reason people to be the colorful, vibrant ones who burst into our organized lives knocking over our well laid plans and intentions.  This however is not always true.  Sometimes they sneak in quiet and nondescript, slinking in without much fanfare, then fading out, back into the shadows from whence they came, leaving only a faint memory of their touch, and a mystery of WHY they were here in the first place.   Those, I have learned, are the kind you have to most watch out for.
Perchance the biggest dilemma of all, is the fact that nobody distinguishes who they are either.  All of us blundering in and out of each others lives, not knowing what part we are in fact playing.  I am forced to confess to my having been a Season~Reason~Lifetime friend to a countless many, and I'm sure, will be forever moved to do so.  I think it was written somewhere in the small print of our birth contracts to be eternally loyal to the cause of human advancement, sworn, committed and unable to escape this double life we lead.  "Do unto others as you would have done unto you," seems to be the way it all goes down.  If a Reason person strolls into your life,  you unwittingly become a Reason person in theirs, and visa versa.  I would imagine this to be some sort of evolutionary adaptation developed to make the best use of time and space, hopefully hastening our successes as we either move gracefully, or stumble through our life lessons.  Lucky for us we are simultaneously given the chance to learn from each other, weaving in and out of being teachers and students at the same time.
I have come to the conclusion that though there may be a spiritual component to Why, When and How people enter our lives, for the most part I think we are all winging it as we go along.  Following a mixture of intuition, good intentions and satisfying our emotional needs, we enter in and out of relationships wanting things to be a certain way, only to discover all is not as you first hoped, and soon you are on your way out the door with your new identity as "some one's past."   
 Because of these discrepancies, I have decided to act as if I never heard this confounded saying in the first place, choosing to resist from concerning myself with, 'Who is What and for How long.'  I hereby commit to tranquilly accepting everybody into my life for as long as the Universe prescribes.   Either to enjoy the Season of a finely brewed cup of tea.  To learn the Reason for cultivating the many different varieties and ways to plant. Or to embrace a Lifetime of toiling under the sun, side by side, growing our own thriving plantation.
  Either way there is much to be learned as each encounter is hopefully a balanced
 exchange of beauty and wisdom.
  Really quite simple and easy to understand, once you take it totally apart.  No opinion has to be permanent, so upon further reflection, perhaps I may like this saying after all.
In Beautiful Confusion
~Raven
    

On The Bright Side

     Its true, I am a person who walks thru life with a cheerful optimistic hopefulness.  I admit it, I am a wearer of rose colored glasses.  How I came to be this way I am not sure, it could be my basic nature, something in my genetics, where the planets were at the time of my birth, maybe its the food I eat, who knows.  One thing is certain, there is no use denying....I am what I am. 

 I think Popeye has a similar saying, although his with a bit more of a vegetarian flair. 

      I must confess, I am not always this way.  There are often times when I feel downright jaded, cynical, contrary, and accept it or not, even hostile.  I can't always be sweet and sunshine.  Most of what I write about has evolved as a direct result of my 'reaping from what I had foolishly sown' at one point or another in my life.  The truth is, I am a positive thinker because of all the negative experiences I have had.  Choosing to see things in a cheerful and optimistic way, I believe, brings more of the same good energy into my life. 

 Like calls to Like is my reasoning. 

     Sometimes, when I may not be in the best emotional place, I reread my blogs and wonder to myself... who is this person with these, "Be Positive, Think Happy, Love Everybody, Peace and Joy views.  I almost sound like a lost flower child from the 60's, although come to think of it, I was born in that decade, so maybe it did all start then.  To be honest, I spent most of my young life, shy, insecure, sad and alone.  I certainly didn't feel so cheerful.  The person I am now is altogether different.  I guess when I write, I am sharing my ultimate ideals, and yes, though I do try to live them everyday, the results are not always the same. 

     My good friend who has known me since I was a young 15 year old, was recently laughing at me while I was complaining to her about something I had just experienced.  Not only that, she actually started quoting to me from one of my own blogs, the one called, "Its not what you think." In it I spoke about the false expectation we place on others, and how I am so much happier living from a place of suspended anticipation. I assure you, I meant everything I said when I wrote it, and spent a considerable amount of time thinking and writing that particular one, yet she was right.  Obviously even I am having a hard time living up to my own professed standards and principles.  Though I write with the utmost sincerity, in the actual heat of the moment its not always easy to remember what it is I exactly believe, or even whether I want to follow my own advice.  I think for most people we have a certain processing system we function from, though we may stray here and there, basically our M.O. is the same.  Like Popeye, we all own our individual flair that we apply to most situations.  I may sometimes wander off my rainbow bright path now and again, but for me its where I feel safe, and back I go.   I guess my point is that no matter how unfavorable I may think, or how obstinate and gloomy I may behave at times, its undeniably certain that sooner or later I will be forced to slip my glasses back on so I can once again return to my rosy dream colored world of optimistic brightness. 

      Look on the bright side, unless I take them off sometimes,  how will I ever know when I have them on?

A New Day

     I hear the soft sounds of nature, the thumping footsteps of my children as they rise, their hushed murmurs greeting each other as they try not to wake me. Smiling I lay here, hoping they will think I am sleeping for just a little longer.
Some days I am more fully aware than others,
today is one of them.

I would like to wish everybody a
'Wonderful Good Morning!
It's A New Day and I am very thankful to be here.'

     Isn't it awe-inspiring how each day looms so huge before us, all possibilities countless and unlimited.  If only we would pause for a minute when we first awake from our hopefully restful slumber, to reflect on what an amazing gift we have been granted.   Some mornings we may feel a certain dread for what lies before us.  Perhaps we have serious business to attend, conflicts to face, or other scenarios we would rather avoid.  Days like those take a certain courage to embrace, and are not always an easy choice to be happy about.  I would like to believe whatever undetermined moments we have yet to encounter, from the time we open our eyes, to our last waking thoughts at night, somewhere in between we will be reminded of the miraculous reality of our existence.
Knowing we have the potential for amazing things doesn't necessarily mean we should feel pressured to perform at our highest capabilities at all times. Personally I take great pleasure in doing absolutely nothing but wandering from moment to moment, following the footsteps of my heart.  Believe me, those days are few and far between, and for this reason, highly treasured. 

     Being thankful for each day is a promise I made to myself long ago when I was a teenager sitting alone in the doctor's office. I had just been told I would be hospitalized for a very serious condition, which thankfully I have fully recovered from.  Sitting quietly in the cold and sterile room waiting to be admitted, frightened and suddenly aware I was not invincible.  Life no longer seemed endless and unstoppable.  I realized in that moment, how fortunate and unbelievably blessed we are to have the opportunity for each and every day.
Here I am numerous years later, no longer a scared teenager, a mother of 3 children, independent healthy and strong.  I am ever so grateful for the many life experiences which have brought me to this place in time.  Knowing my courage to survive, overcome, to greet each day with an open heart, was  directly born out of the ashes of darker days gone by. However this day unfolds, I accept it gladly for the glorious gift I know it to be.  I wish the same peaceful acceptance for you.
'Good Morning Everybody, It's a New Day!'
 May You Walk In Beauty
~Raven

The Longest Minute

In the last week, I have heard the unfortunate news of three very sad passings, all somehow connected to me by close friends and family. All were beloved sons, welcomed and greatly loved.  Their brief time ending much too soon, forever changing the lives of those left behind. Each story uniquely different.  

The first, a charismatic young man in his 20's, strong and healthy, he was in the prime of his life.  His greatest joy was to travel all over the world exploring our majestic planet, his spirit an adventurous one. Known by many for his passion for humanity and his vision of a healthy earth.  He died in an accident while backpacking in Norway.    

The second was a young man who was also in his 20's. His life being very different, as he was born with Muscular Dystrophy. He actually lived longer then expected. Every night his mother would carefully turn him over to help ease his pain and discomfort while he slept. By the time he passed away, he could barely move his hand to control his wheelchair. His family, especially his mother, made sure his days were filled with all the beauty and learning he could be surrounded with, a life very full for someone with such devastating health problems.

 The third, a newborn baby boy, born in mid September to my younger cousin in California. A celestial child, radiant and filled with the spirit of Pure Love and Innocence. This sweet angel came into our world with many serious health issues, and sadly, was not meant to bless us with his presence for long. Living only for a brief time, he gently touched the heart of every person he met, including his fleeting moments with his brother and sister. Unable to survive in such a fragile body, with great sorrow all those who had dreamed of his arrival and yearned for his existence, were forced to say their good-byes. Long before they even had a chance to see him smile. 

 From the coziness of my world, I watched these sad stories unfold around me, each of these young souls completely different in how they spent their moments on earth, yet connected by the miracle of their creation and the sacred bonds of family and friends. I saw the sorrow of loved ones from afar, their tears and broken hearts laid bare for all to see. Knowing that no matter how many years, months, days, hours or even minutes we can spend with our beloveds, it will never be enough. Life is precious, and we as human beings are forced to face these heart-rending losses alongside the incredible beauty and joy of being with our cherished ones. I have heard the saying used so many times how, "Life is too short," and perhaps it is, but I would like to challenge you to take this philosophy even further. Imagine, the hours wasted in conflict and disharmony with those we care about and love, amounting to nothing in comparison to the 'Longest Minute in the Universe,' spent gazing into the eyes of our dearest treasures. A simple message from me to you.  Love your children, your family, your sweethearts and friends.
Being able to stretch out each and every magical minute gifted to us into something both special and meaningful, would be a better use of our time and energy, then choosing to waste any one of our valuable moments together in misunderstanding or strife. Its been almost 20 years since I spoke to my father, and yesterday I called to tell him how much I missed having him in my life and how I will always love him. A healing moment for both of us, long overdue. For the three angelic souls who have gone on in their Sacred Journey, thank you for the miracle of your existence. In the briefness of your hours here with us, you have brought great joy and touched the hearts of many. Truly you will be forever missed.
May You Walk In Beauty,
~Raven

It's Not What You Think

Expectations: The act or state of looking forward or anticipating

     We all have expectations of almost everything in life...our jobs, our children, our family, our friends and lovers, our cars.  What happens when these hopes are not met?  Is it fair to place our assumption that someone or something is going to act in a given way, and then be disappointed if our imagined predictions don't come true.  I understand that some situations are obvious, if I behave or speak in a certain way then its pretty safe to assume I am going to get an almost inevitable result.  If I don't change the oil in my car, EVER, then it's more then likely I can expect to have problems.  These expectations or beliefs are almost factual in their beginnings, and not my main focus. 

The dilemma for most I believe, are the expectations we place on others to meet our emotional and personal needs, which we feel we are deserving of, or owed to us, almost as a direct measure of our worth. When these unspoken promises are not fulfilled, we may feel disheartened and less valued.  Also upsetting is when we are questioning or even convinced someone has special feelings for us, and we place our anticipations based on what we think they will say, or choose to do in a specific situation,  hopefully reinforcing our assumptions, and when they don't cooperate.....we wonder, what does that mean?
How about when our perceived entitlements are ALMOST but not quite met, forcing us to choose whether we are completely satisfied, or LOWERING our hopes even further so that it appears we've actually received our desired outcome.
 I find this to be a confusing circle of getting nowhere real fast. Why do we do this to ourselves?  Not only believing, but embracing our 'Delusions of Grandeur,' thinking we are able to surmise just how a person should think or act. Its almost like we create an imaginary Theater in our heads with a cast of characters who don't even know their parts, and We as the Directors and sole Editors, are dismayed at the lack of good help these days.

Personally, I would much rather not concern myself with what someone is going to say or do for me, and then be pleasantly surprised at what comes my way.  I choose to live by the code of:
"I will follow my heart and live without expectations, this way, whatever shared between two people is freely given without expectation of something in return."
Living without creating limits on others is so much more fun, eliminates disappointments, and places the exclusive responsibility for our happiness on ourselves, exactly where it truly belongs.

 Learning to give up our expected outcomes is the gift that keeps on giving, and allows the opportunity for unimaginable beauty and joy to come our way.  Now, when something wonderful and unexpected happens you can accept it for what it is, a treasure freely bestowed, without ever having to rehearse a single line, or even worse having to call for a rewriting of the entire script.

Eyes of Innocence and Wisdom

I once read if you were having trouble understanding or liking someone, to imagine them as a young baby or a very old person. I have tried this on many occasions and I must say it works well. Babies are innocent souls with sweet little faces, it’s easy to be emotionally swayed. For some people the elderly are not as lovable. Personally I have always had a fondness for the venerable ones. Both ages can be fragile and carry within a certain vulnerability, a close connection to the world of Spirit.

When I first moved to New England I became a companion for older adults. My job was to assist elders to live independently in their homes as long as possible. I would help by driving to beauty salons, appointments, cemeteries to visit loved ones, grocery shopping, voting or just out for fresh air. All the things they could no longer accomplish by themselves. Mostly I found they were in need of affection and someone to listen to their history. A multitude of memories to be shared, which thankfully I loved to hear over and over and over again. Being energetic, I was forced to speak and move at a much slower pace. I learned a lot about living in the moment from my older friends. I considered myself a paid granddaughter and felt honored to benefit by their wisdom and time spent on this earth. I had favorites, but my absolute was a woman who shared my birth date named Gere. She was in her 80's and suffered from Alzheimers. On our first meeting I had no idea what to expect and was taken aback by her anxious energy. Imagine having little short term memory, not really understanding what is happening, and you can see why she appeared this way. I wanted to leave immediately and felt unsure how to respond, but looking into her eyes she seemed so lost. I reached out my hand and gently entered her life. What a joy she turned out to be. We became close over the next few years spending countless hours together. She loved to go for lengthy car rides, greatly cherishing the simple pleasures of life. The destination never mattered, she forgot anyways. As long as we were together she didn't care. We visited gardens where we would wander carefully, her steps shaky on the stone paths. Sitting peacefully in the sunshine she would speak to me of happy days gone by. 
She enjoyed having a cup of tea with a sugary treat on the side. Many times, forgetting we had just finished moments earlier, she would say ever so sweetly, "Honey, wouldn't a cup of tea be wonderful right now?" Though her last years were difficult, as I couldn't always be there, I would like to think I made a big difference in her life. I often found notes scattered throughout the house about her angel who would come to visit, I miss her very much. One of her greatest hopes was to be remembered after she passed, and the answer is, "Yes my Dear Friend I will always remember and think of you with Love." I took a class on grieving around this same period. The main idea was to encourage caregivers to be empathetic to an older person's feelings. Reminding us how life is filled with unavoidable loss as you age, often affecting physical mobility, vision, independence, or the hardest of all, the passing of friends and family. This class was difficult to undergo, but it challenged me to live in gratitude, to be thankful for my blessings. To 'Walk in Beauty' is my choice, one I make every day. I trust easily because of this. I try to remember we are connected by the common desire to be heard, and above else, our unrelenting need to be loved. Next time you are in conflict with someone, look into their eyes and see the innocence of a baby newly born into this world, or the fragile spirit of a person who has suffered greatly. Our paths may be different, but our beginnings and endings, although unique, are all the same.

In Peace,
~Raven

To Mow or Not to Mow

     One of my biggest fears after learning I was soon to be single was...."How am I going to mow the lawn?"  Crazy I know, but there it is.  I had been a stay at home mama for almost 9 years.  I was great at taking care of the children and everything within the household, cooking, cleaning, organizing, homeschooling, I was very busy.  The lawn however was an uncharted land, an endless sea of green, vast and foreign.  This unfamiliar responsibility loomed huge before me on my already large list.  Little did I know that shoveling the driveway would be even worse. Not to mention my new chore of stacking several cords of wood and transferring 3 tons of 40 lb bags of wood pellets from my front yard, through my house down to my basement and back up the stairs one exhausting bag at a time.  It turns out mowing the lawn was the easy part!
     My first snow storm by myself was a huge blizzard.  Boldly I floundered out to my immense driveway with my little children in tow, each armed with our shovels and positive vibrations.  I am not sure when it hit me, possibly into the 2nd hour or so... that I was getting nowhere.  Standing there buried up to my knees in the deep compact snow I realized I had accomplished nothing more then a mere dent towards getting my car out.  In my estimation I had another 5 hours of hard grueling labor ahead of me.  Glaring at my neighbors across the street with their hardy teenagers and 2 snowplows I began ranting and raving to my icy children about how able people should help poor single defenseless women and freezing children in distress.  I then burst into tears, totally overwhelmed with everything.   My life felt like a blizzard gone mad.  My neighbors couldn't hear me over the roar of their machines, but I think my distress was obvious because they soon came driving to the rescue in their mini plows and saved the day.  I barely restrained myself from groveling at their feet in gratitude, it was bad enough I stood there and cried the whole time.  Now I know better.  I don't wait until the end of a blizzard to start my clean up, I go out several times during a storm, and thinking ahead I move my car to the bottom of the driveway, making my life a lot easier.   My children are also much bigger and able to help more, making a huge difference with all we have to do.  Thank goodness I have a generous and kind friend who will never say no to the chance of helping us whatever way he can.  My children and I have grown up a lot over these last 4 winters, especially myself.  I am amazed at my physical accomplishments, and I no longer cry when I shovel the driveway.  In fact last year I actually felt a sort of peace with the beauty of standing outside under the sparkly icy night sky, shovel in my hand.  I have become a new kind of warrior,  I feel good being able to take care of the inside and outside of my house.  Stacking wood is a lesson in meditation and I find it quite relaxing.  I love the feeling of looking out over my expanse of wood piles knowing we will be warm for the winter.   Mowing the lawn is still not my favorite, however once done I can enjoy the nice view off my deck looking out over the lake.  Life is good and I am grateful to have a home to take care of in any season.  This California woman is no longer afraid of mowers, freezing temperatures or winter storms.  My next task is to make friends with my nemesis the generator, all those cords, buttons and thingies are a little intimidating.....Help!

No Need to Ask, I Will Tell you Anyway

     Writing from my heart does make me feel exposed and somewhat vulnerable.  Sharing oneself publicly through the written word can be very intimate. I don't often care what people may think of my views, but I sometimes wonder why I am so open.  Obviously I could keep a private journal if it really bothered me.  I think its in the revealing where I find my satisfaction, almost as if the act of admission makes my feelings and ideas more concrete.  I have a much better understanding of what I am about since I have been confessing...I mean...writing.  Perhaps my dilemma lies in the fact I consider myself to be an open and friendly person, yet reserved and very private.  My mother always told me never to put anything in writing, although I'm sure this is not what she had in mind.  I think this may actually be worse.   

     Lately, when questioning my beliefs, I reflect back on previous blogs as if they were my new manual.  I imagine by boldly declaring my thoughts it somehow makes them more valid.  I admit to being one of those people who talk to myself out loud, it helps me think.  Writing for me does the same thing.  Its a form of group healing, and its free.  Lucky for you I can't seem to write about the 'Beauty in my life,' without balancing it with my personal struggles. One seems to influence the other.    

     I do find great pleasure in my shared  musings, so for all of you ....
~Wonderful Open-Minded People~
who take the time to read my words,
"Thank you from the bottom of my unveiled heart."
Perhaps I should contemplate putting together a Mexican Cookbook instead.  This way I can continue my hobby without disclosing any intimate thoughts.  Maybe I could squeeze in some of my philosophy and not be so obvious, like..."When cooking tortillas be MINDFUL you don't burn them, TRUST your INSTINCTS to know when done, and ENJOY each bite, for LIFE is very SACRED."
Maybe that's too subtle...
~Raven

The Little Girl and The Fedora

     This is a true story of what happened to me when I was a little girl.  I do not tell many people because of its sensitive nature, but since I have entered this world of expressing myself I believe I am ready to share.  It all started when I was very small, probably around the age of five.  I awoke early one morning, with the hopes of watching some exciting Saturday cartoons and tiptoed quietly out into the hall of my home in Santa Monica, California.  Leaning casually against a wall, wearing a long black overcoat and a Fedora style hat placed low and slightly tilted across his head, was a Spirit Man.  Some people may use the word ghost, but in this scenario it seems almost too commonplace for what I saw standing before me.  Even at my young age I recognized the fact that he wasn't fully there, more like an impression or memory of his Earth-Bound self.  To this day his image is firmly engraved in my memory along with a certain warm feeling of familiarity.  He seemed to be waiting for someone, and I assumed... I believe correctly.... that it was me.  I couldn't see his facial features clearly but I knew we both recognized in each other a kindred spirit.  Time stood still in this misty dreamlike moment, unable to feel anything but a sense of deep awe and surprise I did nothing but stand there memorizing his every detail.  I was never scared,  however the mystery and unknowing soon became too much for my small self to handle and back to bed I ran.   I stayed cleverly hidden, huddled beneath the cocoon of my blankets until sounds of Bugs Bunny and the smells of a delicious breakfast filled the air.  Later my mother greeted this news with a nonchalance I wasn't expecting, and soon the issue seemed to be dropped as a main topic, but I never really forget. 

      This happening by itself may not appear strange to many people, sighting of ghosts or spirits have been around since the beginning of man.  I am sure many of my ancestors had their own experiences of this strange and mystical world.  I would even think that as people who lived so closely connected to the rhythms of Nature and Earth, these sightings may not have been as startling as they might be to someone living now in our modern society of concrete and technology.  

     I bring this first occurrence up because I believe it is strongly connected to the main part of my story which happened a few years later.  One of my favorite past times back then was to play with a tape recorder acting as a newspaper reporter.  I would lay there in the solitary world of my room creating all different kinds of stories of investigations, interviewing imaginary people I would pretend to meet on the street.  On this day in particular I was having an especially fine time when my mother called me to come for lunch.  Leaving my recorder on my bed I ran to grab my sandwich (I even remember the pickle on the side), bringing it quickly back to my room to listen to my clever ramblings while I ate.   The recording started off fine at first, but after a few minutes my words were abruptly cut off and a certain distant whooshing sound of quiet breathing became apparent.  No longer was my young clear voice heard, instead there was a man's voice, slightly distorted, with the words drawn out almost in an exaggerated way.  "Donnnnnaaaaa, I missssss youuuuuu, Please come home.....Donnnaaaaa, I love you......commmmeee hommmeeeeeeee..."  More whooshing sounds and then once again, "Donnnnnaaaa Pleassseeeee...," fading off into a distant and erie silence. My childish banter suddenly returned as if there had never been an interruption, startling me back into a sort of stunned awareness.   My mother this time was not able to hide her feelings behind a calm facade, for we were all deeply affected.  For those who may be skeptical, my father was off to work that day and both my sisters and brother were too young to create a deception such as this.  Returning quickly to my room took no more then a few minutes, and I believe no other explanations were to be found.   I had this tape for about 2 years and even took it to school one day for show and tell.  I recall the shocked look on my teacher's face when she first listened to my message from beyond, once heard the authenticity was hard to deny. 

 I can clearly summon up the day I found my fresh baby sister sitting in the middle of the floor wrapped  head to toe with the remains of the destroyed cassette tape.  Apparently I was not meant

 to keep it forever. 

 I have wondered over the years what has become of my Spirit Man, I have not seen or heard from him since, at least not in any obvious way.  Perhaps he quietly visits me sometimes from the shadows in the line between worlds, and I unaware, go about my days wondering why it is that I feel surrounded by a loving protection.  One day I shall be able to ask him  just what we meant to each other.  Until then I am content, forever grateful for this miraculous gift, for it opened my eyes at a very young age to the breathless wonder and sacredness of our heart connections.   Reaching out across the barriers of Time and Space, beyond our perceived boundaries of Life or Death, it appears to be absolutely true that

 Love really is both Limitless and Eternal.

Princess and the Pebbles

     My children and I often enjoy camping out in the great outdoors.  I am pretty good about handling some of the inconveniences of going primitive, but I must admit to spending a lot of time and energy on my sleeping comfort.  By the time our van is packed and we are ready to set out on our grand adventure, I can barely see over the huge pile of blankets and foam pads that I insist on bringing.  I tell my children every time as we are lugging the heavy mountain of luxury bedding from house to van -to tent -to van again -and then back into the house...that I am like the Princess and the Pea.  You know, the fairy tale where only a True Princess could feel a tiny pea under her 20 mattresses.  I can't see their faces behind the stack of comforters they stagger under, but I am almost positive they don't find this to be in the least bit amusing.
 I could end this short story right now and I am sure you would be quite content learning this new and important detail about my life.  However if you have come to know my style thru some of my writings you
will know that I do have a point to this silliness.
   My ability to feel small pebbles and sticks is really a bigger clue to my new found sensitivity in understanding my level of tolerance of what I will now accept in my life.  When I was younger I did not have the same keenness or discernment as I do now.  My world was an open window in which many strange birds flew in, coming and going whenever they pleased.  I welcomed these new experiences and found that living from a place of not knowing what could come next was quite exciting... but not always.  Now as a slightly older and much wiser version of myself, I have come to realize that my energy and time are extremely precious and not to be lost through careless or unwanted indulgences.  Armed and ready with my well earned expertise I can evaluate rather quickly whether something, or someone, will need way too many fluffy barriers between us for it to be a good or healthy connection . I am not saying I am closing myself off to new experiences, for to live otherwise would be a quick ending to my joyful days.  I am merely professing to being a lot more perceptive in my ability to recognize the sticks and stones that may interfere with my cushioned comfort.
 Being a True Princess has its usual sacrifices, but a sound sleep shouldn't be one of them.